Friday, September 24, 2010

It is a truth that really ought to be universally acknowledged...

... that a man could get away with murder in a dressing gown this fine.

An open letter to the New Oxford American Dictionary,

I am reliably informed that your latest edition will be including a slew of new and 'exciting' additions. These include - but are not limited to - bromance, BFF (best friends forever), little black dress, tramp stamp (I'm really not sure if that's one word or two) and unfriend.

What the fuck, dictionary?

Are you trying to say that if I'm playing scrabble and put down BFF on a triple word score that I deserve the points? For shame - I would deserve nothing.

Watching this kind of shit make it into the dictionary doesn't make the dictionary cool. The dictionary is already cool to those of us whose idea of a good time is playing the game 'dictionary' on a Saturday night (don't be a judger: it's awesome) and impossibly dull to pretty much everyone else.

Finding the 'word' "BFF" in the dictionary sandwiched between, I don't know, "bezel" (a sloping face or edge of a chisel or other cutting tool) and "bhang" (an Indian hemp plant, apparently) makes me want to weep. It's like being forced to watch your highly-respected English tutor try to break dance at an end-of-year university function.

I hope to see you pull your socks up and purge some of this shit next year. You know the stuff I'm talking about: when I look up the word "cougar" I only want to see a definition with the words "big cat" in it.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

All work and no blog make Kate a dull girl

I've been told twice in two days that I should be writing on here again and I agree. I miss this stupid blog and the opportunity to vent when I'm not being paid to do so and don't have to take things seriously and, you know, pretend I can spell. Coming back is always hard, though. It's like trying to end a fight with someone: once the first couple of words are out and you've had a post-fight conversation it's ok but being the one to apologise or break the cold shoulder thing you've got going on is a real bitch.

So, to jump back in via the wussiest of means, I thought I'd make a list of a few of the things I've learned since the last time I posted. Bear in my mind reader(s) that I am a moron and thus much of what appears below is stuff you've known since you were old enough to see your face in the bathroom mirror without the aid of a stool.

Realisation One: Never start a sentence "All I'm saying is…" when you're having an argument. This phrase doesn't end fights - it starts them. All I'm saying is that if you don't believe me, you're a dick.

Realisation Two: It's okay to half-arse it at work sometimes. Wait, allow me to clarify: should anyone from work be reading this then, obviously, it goes without saying that this half-arse stuff isn't something I would do PERSONALLY. I am, of course, speaking hypothetically. But, really, the odd bout of not earning your wage can be a wonderful thing.

Realisation Three: You shouldn't keep a sharpened axe in the fireplace. Sure, it was there when you moved in but now it just looks creepy.

Realisation Four:There's nothing wrong with popping a (metaphorical) pan on the (metaphorical) back-burner with a low flame, just in case. You'd go fucking MAD if you didn't.

Realisation Five: Despite some apparent concerns (if concern is the right word, which I don't think it is) from a family member during my teenage years, I must be the straightest girl in the world, based on the amount of time I fritter away thinking about boys. Boys, boys, boys. Yeah, they're not bad.

Realisation Six: It's possible to change your mind about very fundamental things. I mean, five years ago I would never have conceded that Mark Ruffalo is a stone cold fox. And yet...

Realisation Seven: Seriously, the axe? It's got to go.