Thursday, December 27, 2012

That winning moment

When you realise the cute dude from the party who gave you shit about not telling him you were married until after he'd (I'm editorialising here) wasted two hours talking to you, totally has a long-term girlfriend anyway and was therefore being a big fat hypocrite. Suck it J!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Boxing Day traditions I am missing right now

  • Eating Christmas chocolate for breakfast.
  • Wearing pajamas until noon.
  • The guilt-induced half-hearted walk around the block, taken after I remember what I ate and drink the day before but swiftly abandoned when I realised how fucking hot it is.
  • Midday movies(!)
  • Falling asleep at 4pm on the couch, melted shell chocolates mushed into my cheek.

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Christmas Movies: Love Actually

The concept: Watch as many Christmas-themed or Christmas-related movies this December as I can without going nuts.

The candidate: Love Actually

The premise: A whole bunch of lovey dovey London stories intertwine around the holidays. Some are gorgeously realised (Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman for the win, please), others induce in me a quiet rage (Colin Firth's thing, obviously; the one with Keira Knightley and the guy from Teachers; the British guy who goes overseas... I could go on.).

The verdict: I have mixed feelings about Love Actually. In theory I think it's not a particularly good movie: it's sappy, it's stupid, some of the plotlines are INSANELY inane. And yet. It's one of those movies I return to time and time again. Not in the same way I might return to, say, Annie Hall or The Princess Bride: those all-time favourite movies I can't stay away from because watching them feels like Coming Home. No, I come back to Love Actually in the same way that I continue to pick at the ice-cream cake currently sitting in my freezer. I'm not that into ice-cream. Or cake. Or ice-cream cake. But... it's there. It tastes pretty good. And... it does the job. That's how I feel about Love Actually. At its best it makes me cry (the scene where Emma Thompson opens her present to find a Joni Mitchell CD is... I mean, come on, I'm not made of stone) or smile despite myself in a this-is-so-fucking-stupid kind of a way (see: Hugh Grant's incredibly silly but damnit sort-of-charming plotline) and at its worst it is inane and patronising and very very irritating. I (re)watched it this year with one finger on the fast-forward button, cut out a good 40 minutes of shit and had myself a very merry time of it.

WARNING NOTE: Fast-forwarding through the shitty parts of this movie may enrage one's husband, who claims the Colin Firth storyline is "romantic" and darling. Also that I am dead inside.

Saturday, December 22, 2012


This was a fun five minutes.

That awkward moment

Where the poor 18-year-old male clerk behind the counter has to price up your slinky underwear while you pretend to be veeeeeeery busy on ye olde mobile phone.

Friday, December 21, 2012

Overheard in the Office

Me: He does... kind of look like a paedo though.

Her: Only in the way that all priests do.

Saturday, December 15, 2012

I'm embarrassed

You're embarrassed for me. But the fact remains: I have now seen Pitch Perfect exactly one and a half times.

Christmas Movie Experiment: The Holiday

The concept: Watch as many Christmas-themed or Christmas-related movies this December as I can without going nuts.

The candidate: The Holiday.

The premise: Unlucky-in-love Kate Winslet and Cameron Diaz (I'm sorry I have absolutely no idea what their characters are called) decide to swap houses for two weeks over Christmas. One lives in LA, one in London. I know this will shock you but romance ensues.

The verdict: Cameron Diaz has long been, for me, a movie ruiner. I hate her. I HATE her. I hate HER. So trying to get engaged in her storyline is, straight up, a big ask. What this baby has in its favour is the presence of the always charming, endlessly talented Kate Winslet and, more importantly, Rufus Fucking Sewell, also known as the dreamiest dreamboat that ever dreamed. God he is sex on legs, stealing every scene he's in even though he's supposed to be (and ok kinda is) a dick. The downside to that is that, on a looks basis alone, it's extremely hard not to root for Kate Winslet to go back to him even though (I'm ruining nothing, seriously, this is obvious from the first minute of the film) that is never going to happen. The end result is a sporadically cute, mostly quite stupid but, eh, it passes the time offering to the romantic comedy genre. So it's, you know, fine. (Although, seriously, Cameron Face-like-a-Mashed-Pea Diaz gets Jude Law as her love interest and Kate Winslet gets Jack Black? Not cool, movie, not cool).

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

"Too much of a good thing can be wonderful."
- Mae West.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Some days

Some days I am sufficiently self aware to recognise that I'm making mountains out of molehills and getting worked up about things that fundamentally Do Not Matter. Some days I can be polite to people who annoy me, serene in the face of incompetence and placate people who enrage me. Most days, I hope, I maintain a veneer of calm in the workplace, regardless of whatever is going on underneath.

But on some days, just every so often, it feels that only the words of the wonderful John Skoyles stand between me and my desire to tell certain people exactly what I think of them. For which some people should be grateful...

If You Have an Enemy

If you have an enemy, picture him asleep.
Notice his shoes at the foot of the bed,
how helplessly they gape there.
Some mornings he needs three cups of coffee

to wake up for work,
and there are evenings when he drinks alone,
reading the paper down to the want ads,
the arrival times of ships at the docks.

Think of him choosing a tie,
dialling wrong numbers,
finding holes in his socks. Chances are
his emptiness equals yours

When you thoughtlessly hurry a cashier
for change, or frown to yourself
in rush hour traffic and the drivers behind you

begin to remind you
the light has turned green.

(John Skoyles)

20 freaking years ago today

Thursday, December 6, 2012

Potglumstein (adj)

Of German origin. Used to describe the emotion of realising you bought sweet potato gems instead of regular potato gems at the supermarket.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Things making me happy #52

The charming film, Celeste and Jesse. I see a lot of movies (maybe even too many) and I like a lot of movies because I'm stupid and easy to please. Still, this one made me laugh (also sniffle) more than most. Recommend to a friend.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

It is on.

And I am excited.

N.B: thanks to Rickard for the heads up.

Things making me happy #14

Watching Husband Andy laugh so hard at a ten second clip of Killer Karaoke that for a few worried seconds I actually thought he was maybe experiencing anaphylactic shock and I should get off the couch and call an ambulance or something.

Monday, December 3, 2012

The Verdict

The conundrum: Would it be wrong to unfriend someone on Facebook because reading her posts about the horrific physical and emotional abuse she endured at the hands of her ex-boyfriend depresses ten types of shit out of me?

The Angel: Of course it would be wrong and I'm an uncaring shit. I know her! I like her! I accepted a warm scarf and a glass of delicious wine from that shit of an ex-boyfriend once, now I have to accept her horrible, awful stories about him too. JESUS CHRIST what kind of a person stops being friendly with someone because they've BEEN ABUSED?! How often am I even on Facebook these days that it would really be that much skin off my nose to get the odd reminder that someone somewhere in the world is much, much worse off than me?

The Devil: Look, technically I only met her and her stupid abusive ex once. Five years ago. For one night only. And while, yes, I did/still do like her and think she's kinda awesome I also feel it's likely I will never speak to her again, either in real life or via the medium of social media so HONESTLY what's to be lost in quietly letting her drift off into the ether to spend more quality time with her actual friends who she knows in real life? I mean really as if she'll even notice...

The verdict: I'm a bitch but I'm not THAT much of a bitch. Plus, if it all gets a bit too full on I can always *ahem* just block her from my Facebook feed. I mean, would that be a crime...?

Pros and Cons

The situation: I cried while interviewing someone today for the first time in a loooooong long time.

Pro: I am not, contrary to popular opinion, dead inside.

Con: I am a huge pussy.

Things making me happy #3


From the diaries of work chum Kate F

Gumtree douche: "Um yeah, hi. I'm ringing about the guitar for sale."
Kate F: "Yes? "
Gumtree douche: "Um, so is it like, your boyfriend's or husband's or something?"
Kate F: ......... *presses end call*

Sunday, December 2, 2012

True fear is...

... Showering at the work gym and realising you forgot to hang your towel outside the shower cubicle just at the same moment as someone else wanders in to get changed. Just... trust me on this one.