Thursday, February 11, 2016

Things I thought but did not say to the dude at the park this morning:

Mate. I mean maaaate, what are you doing?

I'm sure that's your kid playing on the playground right there and a good time he's having too. Also I think it sucks that society's knee jerk reaction is too often to regard dudes hanging around playgrounds as would-be paedos.

That much said. If you're going to hang out inside the fenced-off playground waiting for your kid and you don't want people to give you Side Eyes you should maybe consider doing the following:

1. Put on your shirt.

2. Stop doing planks.

3. If you must do shirtless planks on the grounds maybe at least turn around so you're facing the fucking playground.

Thankyou and good day.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Things I want to say to my work colleagues

"If you've noticed me driving in or out of work lately and you're concerned I'm maybe living out of my car and am not okay please don't worry about me: I've got some home opens going on right now and this is my attempt to get all the random clutter out of the apartment and... into my car. Honest. I swear."

Don't get me started on the day I realised my calorie count for Cadbury Creme Eggs was out by 30. Dark times.

This article over at The Atlantic on calories was an interesting read that nonetheless left me agreeing with this random reader's comment more than anything else:

It reminded me of the old saying that democracy is the worst form of government, except for all the rest. Counting calories is the worst way to lose weight, except for all the rest.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

"He was irrelevant: a waste of tailoring and education."

I don't often link to Nick Lezard's frequently-excellent "Down and Out" column for the New Statesman, although I do read it, because pimping out the work of someone I consider a friend seems a bit gross somehow. Still, this week's installment is worth a link if only so you too can enjoy hearing someone described as "a meat-based conduit between the screen on his desk and the customer".

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Completely insane things I said on the weekend

"I think I just need to calm down... I'm going to Ikea."

Monday, January 25, 2016

Something to remind myself that I'm a moron whenever I think I just don't really like Dylan

Real talk: he has never looked better to me.

some days I remember that in the wonder woman film, chris pine is gonna look like a beautiful butch hipster lesbian cosplaying amelia earhart and everything is okay
Via hellotailor 

Friday, January 22, 2016


Not proud to say it's now basically my life mission to recreate this Cadbury Creme Egg toastie.

It never works. Trust me.

This anonymous column over at The Guardian, Asymmetric Love, is kind of fascinating. It should probably be printed out to keep for emergencies if you're the kind of person who thinks you deserve closure, which is really just a way of saying you're still super into someone and you wish they were still super into you.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Lost Garmin: The Stages of Grief

1. Hmm I must have put it somewhere else. I'll have a look for it later.

2. Strange, it's not here either... or here. But it must be...

3. ... somewhere, right? RIGHT? I MEAN IT HAS TO BE SOMEWHERE.

4. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up. It'll turn up.


Overheard in the office (on the phone)

"I'm not seeing any genitals."