Signs the rebooted Total Recall is not a great movie

1. Jessica Biel.
2. Kate Beckinsale.
3. Mark Bomback.
4. I love Philip K Dick short stories, have loved Colin Farrell in some things and have a certain nostalgic fondness for the original, yet I haaaaaaated it.

N.B: I couldn't quite bear to post a screenshot from this shitty movie so enjoy a slice of Farrell being cute in the lovely movie, In Bruges. I maybe need to see that movie again.

Things I wanted to say to the women having breakfast on the table next to me this morning:

1. You're so right: Mariah Carey and James Packer makes sense, somehow.

2. Jamie Dornan was underrated in 50 Shades of Grey. No, I also will (probably) not be reading Grey.

3. Can we be friends?

Word

"Apparently every Disney woman is a clone/direct descendant of some primordial creature with huge round cheeks and a disturbingly small nose, because there is no other explanation (yes there is(it’s lazy sexism)) for the incredible lack of diversity among these female faces."

(Read the whole thing here)

Because otherwise I would need to have a long lie down

I choose to believe the "Manscriminate" campaign is a parody.

As ever

The Guardian's Hadley Freedman is a delight.

A few weeks ago I read about a fashion advert that has been banned by the ASA. But what confuses me is why the advert existed in the first place. It seems to show a very ill girl lying on the floor – why would that sell clothes?Patrick, by emailAh, Patrick, Patrick, Patrick. I do not know what you do in life, Patrick, as your email was tantalisingly succinct, but I do know that you have – unwittingly, I suspect – taken on the role of truth-teller in this instance. Not for nothing does the tale of The Emperor’s New Clothes use fashion as a metaphor and you, Patrick, are the young boy pointing your finger at the king’s nudity.

(You can and should read the whole thing here)

The Three Switches: a puzzle

Downstairs in a house are three identical on-off switches. One of them controls the lamp in the attic. The puzzle is to work out which switch controls the lamp.The rules are as follows. You are allowed to manipulate the switches all you like, and then you are allowed only one trip to the attic. How do you do it?

I don't know what's more tragic: that I didn't solve it or that I didn't solve it, despite having heard it once before.

(Via The Guardian)

"...white spiders..." (Hee!)

A semi-broke homebody's guide to turning that frown upside down after a rough day:

1. Make a big pot of dhaal makhani.

2. Taste-test elderly open bottle of wine.

3. Decide wine is okay.

4. Drink wine.

5. Eat a sensibly-portioned bowl of dhaal.

6. Eat a little more dhaal.

7. Soooo much more dhaal.

8. Lie on couch to watch Silicon Valley.

Overheard in the office

"Honestly any kind of rare disease is really okay with me."

Now I think about it "Pratt Train" sounds like a euphemism for... something.

I'm not sure when I got onboard the Chris Pratt train but apparently that happened. It's not even like I really want to do to him the things I want to do to, say, Tom Hardy. It's more like I'd like to be friends and hang out, maybe see a movie some time. Or go full Misery and tie him to the bed: EITHER WAY.

Questions and answers via Extreme Fan Club.

The tales of Jessica the sociopath and Elizabeth the doormat with a martyr complex

If I hadn't read most of these Sweet Valley books as a child teenager I would not believe they existed. Also, if you ever read those books and somehow haven't read Shannon's awesome Sweet Valley High blog, in which she recaps the series as a young-fan-turned-adult you... need to get on that right now. It's a freaking delight.

This will be our year

I'm already married and really did not want to get married in the first place. So why does this Zombies song make me not only want to get married (uh, again?) but dance to this song at said wedding like a big sloppy dummy?

Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!

I'm sceptical, as I think we all should be, that one's personality can be reduced to a "type". I may have certain characteristics but I don't think I'm set in amber and I'd like to believe that the Kate of 2015 is different to the Kate of 2010, the Kate of 2005 and the Kate of 2025 and that my personality has changed over the years.

That much said I have done the Myer-Briggs personality test and this kinda silly article that tries to come up with a perfect definition of hell for each Myer-Briggs personality type has... well, okay, I think they kind of nailed me:

"You are expected to complete a highly esteemed project with absolutely no guidance as to what’s expected of you."

I realise that's kind of sad.

“Deep down, all the while, she was waiting for something to happen. Like a sailor in distress, she kept casting desperate glances over the solitary waster of her life, seeking some white sail in the distant mists of the horizon. She had no idea by what wind it would reach her, toward what shore it would bear her, or what kind of craft it would be – tiny boat or towering vessel, laden with heartbreaks or filled to the gunwhales with rapture. But every morning when she awoke she hoped that today would be the day; she listened for every sound, gave sudden starts, was surprised when nothing happened; and then, sadder with each succeeding sunset, she longed for tomorrow.” 

(Gustave Flaubert, Madame Bovary)

Basic bitch

I really hope. That this is true. Because: heh. If Kate Moss ever called me a basic bitch I would die.

If Chicago...

... is the "City of the Big Shoulders" (I love that line), what is Perth?

Small worlds?

Sweaty pavements?

No merging?

The City of 'where did you go to school?'

If you have an enemy, picture him asleep.
Notice his shoes at the foot of the bed,
how helplessly they gape there.
Some mornings he needs three cups of coffee

to wake up for work,
and there are evenings when he drinks alone,
reading the paper down to the want ads,
the arrival times of ships at the docks.

Think of him choosing a tie,
dialling wrong numbers,
finding holes in his socks. Chances are
his emptiness equals yours

When you thoughtlessly hurry a cashier
for change, or frown to yourself
in rush hour traffic and the drivers behind you

begin to remind you
the light has turned green.

(John Skoyles)