Mr Noxy: A love story

I have been accused in the past of being a chronic unromantic. Accused unfairly, I think I should add.

I have issues, I've been told with an (alleged) inability to express genuine emotion, even in cases where it is there. Supposedly I am so terrified by commitment and so repulsed by the dullness of long-term love that I regularly belittle romance, both my own and other people's. These are simply wild, wild rumours. Because while, yes, I have been known to respond with a polite "thankyou" to declarations of love I do feel that rumours my heart died somewhere around the summer of 2004 have been exaggerated.

Because suddenly I find myself madly in love. Consumed by it even. I literally cannot stop thinking about this hot new piece of arse in my life without feeling my heart catch a little. I wake and think of him. I lie in bed at night and wish for his presence. In somewhere under a decade of relationships nobody has ever given me so much and asked for so little in return.

So... details, details. Well technically his name is Zolpidem but I like to call him Stilnox or Noxy, for short. He likes that.

You'd just love him, too, if you met him. I mean nobody potentiates gamma-aminobutyric acid like him and the way he binds to it? Phwoar. Don't even get me started. Of course crtics or puritans might suggest I've moved too fast, having jumped into bed with him already but... you know, fuck it. Waiting does nobody any favours and I've just had the best two nights (sleep) of my life.

And sure, as in any relationship there are some downsides. Like say, ooh I don't know, potentially er hallucinations, delusions and impaired judgement and reasoning. There's also a risk of sleepwalking, night terrors and apparently that thing where you get up and eat everything in the fridge without waking up (which actually sounds kind of awesome to me but what do I know?). Then again, what new relationship comes without risk? In a point-by-point comparson with the ex who once forced me to drunkenly scale the rickety wooden trellice outside his house in a bid to avoid his parents one night, I think Noxy comes out on top on all points. Plus he lasts for seven hours. Phew, I'm just saying.