Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Token Smokin' Hottie: Sufjan Stevens

It's tough to like religious people. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be a shit about it and I know that sounds really stupid and bigoted but it's true: I look down on religious people the same way I look down on people who are racist, rude or don't understand the difference between "your" and "you're". I just think it's so... silly. And, yes, there are exceptions like Evelyn Waugh and Graham Greene - both heroes to me - but they are the exception that makes the rule, not proof that believing in a ficticious character is a wise lifestyle choice. I have religious or semi-religious friends and family but I still view faith as a black mark against someone's character - something to be endured because I like them enough to overlook this flaw.

As with many, many things, however, this theory becomes a little... shall we say elastic when it comes to boys I fancy. Much like the way I have overlooked some pretty terrible things in the past purely in order to get into someone's pants ("Your dream is to one day hunt wolves in the wild? Mine too, I'm totally into that" - wish I was kidding).

Belle and Sebastian's Stuart Murdoch, for instance, is near the top of a list tentatively titled Boys I Would Shag In A HeartBeat Without A Second Thought For the Consequences. It's not so strange because Stuart is cute as a button and I love his music. And yet be believes in God! And sometimes sings about it! Ew.

Which brings us to Sufjan Stveens, who also... appears to believe in God and sings about it! Kind of a lot! Fortunately Sufjan is also blessed with the kind of bone structure that makes me want to tear down walls, the kind of skin you could lick endlessly, an undeniably special voice and the sort of skinny-boy frame against which I have no defences.

I'm not saying I would embrace the faith if Sufjan asked me to run away and be his bride. What I AM saying is that I would happily hole up with him in a hotel and either let him try to convert me or suck it up and pretend to share his beliefs if it got me what I wanted. Which is, of course, him. It's like telling someone you love them in the hope that they might have sex with you. Real classy like.

"Of course, Sufjan," I'd say as I tore the buttons right off his shirt, "I definitely understand where you're coming from. I too feel that there just has to be something out there greater than us."

"Really?" he'd ask, struggling with the weird clasp of my pants. "You're not just saying that."

"I mean it, Suffy" I'd say - assuming he'd let me call him Suffy, which maybe he wouldn't - "I have been touched by the Holy Spirit. And now by you."

No comments: