"...paging a dermatologist for Mr Midas..."

I am not a food journalist and I very much doubt I will ever be a food journalist. But if I were a food journalist then reading Jay Rayner's reviews every week in The Guardian, as I do, would make me weep at my own inadequacy.

"I’ve said it many times: I have no problem spending big money on meals out. I’ve paid more than £282 of my own dosh for lunch. It just needs to be utterly memorable, the stuff of recollections whispered breathily late at night. It can’t be a pallid fart of mediocrity, priced for some dodgy clientele that’s ripped off the gross national product of a small impoverished nation and is now domiciled in London for tax reasons. That’s what your money gets you at Quattro Passi: clumsy cooking, trying to make itself look grown up and clever, generally by the application of flaky precious metals, like King Midas has suffered psoriasis over your dinner. Yes, really. We’ll get there."

You can - and should - read the rest of this week's corker of a review here.