Several things I wish I had said to the girl adjusting and readjusting her hat in the bathroom at The Brisbane last night:

1. Dude. It's 8pm at night. The hat's probably not necessary.

2. Also: all these girls around you? They're trying to get past you. To the sinks. So they can wash their hands.

3. Your hat is ugly.

4. It's not 1994.

5. I don't know you and yet I hate you. That's what your shitty, selfish behaviour and your ugly motherfucking hat have done to me. I'm sorry. Don't hate the player, hate the game.