In what is shaping up to be a bloody good start to the year movie-wise (I am almost wetting my pantaloons in anticipation of seeing my beloved Mr Daniel Day Lewis in There Will Be Blood – the title of which alone gets me every time) one of the more amusing-looking movies is the latest Jack Black vehicle Be Kind Rewind.
I’m not the world’s biggest fan of Mr Black (I sat through the truly dire Envy and sadly lived to tell the tale) but this premise of this one tickles me. If you're not a nerd like me and don't have a little part of your brain solely responsible for accruing various entertainment-related information, the idea is that he plays a video store clerk whose entire VHS stock is inadvertently lost when it gets magnetized through his friend’s buffoonery. This, naturally enough, leads to the two of them shooting their own homemade ‘remakes’ of a series of classic movies (Ghostbusters, Driving Miss Daisy etc) in order to rent them out.
As I say this ideal appeals to me - and not just because I want to see who gets to play Morgan Freeman’s role in DMD. No it’s the way it’s got my mind wandering on which movies, and which roles, I would like to remake. So here I go.
1. Y Tu Mama Tambien. I play the saucy Spanish wench. Gael Garcia and Diego whatshisface reprise their roles as the horny teens but in this version we don’t really get out of bed.
2. The Neverending Story. I get to play the awesome Atreyu and, in my remake, get to beat the shit out of the sooky-sooky-wa-wa Bastian. Gael Garcia Bernal takes on the role of my faithful steed Artax.
3. The Princess Bride. I take on the role previously portrayed by Fred Savage. Sacha gets to play the giant (because you’re tall, sweetheart, and that’s it, I swear) while Lindsay takes on the role of Princess Buttercup, who has suddenly become considerably more buxom. Wesley will, of course, be played by Gael Garcia Bernal’s less attractive brother. Mr Bernal himself is busy entertaining me in the bedroom.
4. My Neighbour Totoro. I play Totoro, the weird animated owl-cat-non-existant-animal creature. Gael Garcia Bernal plays the part of my tail.
Come on readers – can you do any better?