Hmm

So the New South Wales Office of Liquor and Gaming has given club and pub managers a list of 39 Signs of Drunkeness. Yes: 39. Who knew?

The idea is apparently to give staff guidelines to know when someone is drunk enough to be refused service. I guess.

Of course the list is (unintentionally?) hilarious, including such gems as slurring words, rambling or unintelligible conversation, staggering, bumping into or knocking over furniture.

Then there's simple innocent ones that could happen to anyone like spilling drinks, a lack of co-ordination, offensive language and inability to find one's mouth with a glass. And haven't we all been there?

My problem with the list is not that they're all ridiculously obvious suggestions (please, why not "throwing up on your shoes, telling you they love you and then bursting into tears") but that they take all the romance out of a proper bender. Sure you can tell someone's had a few if you find them quietly vomiting into an ashtray at a crowded bar but how do you recognise a true drunk?

Well Modern Drunkard has the answer, and it's a hell of a lot better than anything the State Government's come up with. You get lost crossing the street is a good start, your blood will run a lawnmower is cute and my personal favourite: You called the cops on yourself but refused to testify because you “didn’t want to get involved."

Because the issue is not whether you're going out and getting hammered every weekend, or indeed every week, it's whether you're doing it stylishly.