Saturday, January 31, 2009
It's a question of altitude
Why do I think I like flying? I love to fly - that's always been my line. I've heard myself telling people how much I enjoy it and, until recently, I really thought I did. But actually, it occurs to me at the tail end of a 20 hour long haul, it's pretty fucking terrible.
Now, presumably it goes without saying that sitting on my arse for 20 hours reading trashy novels, watching lame movies and having food and booze ferried to my lap is theoretically right up there under my definition of A Good Time. I could write an epic poem about enforced laziness, I love it so much. But there is one thing I always forget about when I'm romanticising the crap out of air travel: The people. My God the detestable fucking people.
Specifically THESE people:
a) My neighbour for the 13-hour leg of the flight, who apparently believed it was acceptable to lay across three seats. THREE. No. No. NO NO NO. Listen fuckface, there were two of us and four seats. That equates to two apiece and somewhere in your cold heart you know that. I am sorry I pretended not to notice your foot when I sort of mashed it into the armrest but I think we can both agree you deserved that and much, much more. Also when I gave you that look that time? Yeah I was kinda hoping you might get AIDS and die. Sorry about that.
b) Anyone who puts his or her seat back as far as it can go. Yes it's ALLOWED and yes it's POSSIBLE but then so is voting conservative: that doesn't make it right.
c) The person responsible for my inflight movie selection. First up: thanks for the inclusion of Peep Show. Lovely. Much appreciated. But can we talk about Nights in Rodanthe? Or The fucking Women? I mean I think it's great that post menopausal women who can only get off thinking about Richard Gere in a billowy white shirt are still out there getting work, I just wish they weren't in charge of my entertainment.
d) The silly twat inexplicably wearing a cocktail dress and heels. Sweetheart, you're flying into Perth airport at 2am - the most action you can reasonably expect is a vigorous frisky from a burly security guard.
e) My dozey cunt of a neighbour for the 5-hour leg who snored on my ear almost the entire way home. Okay maybe that's unfair because she was actually very sweet for the three seconds she was awake and it's not exactly her fault but FUCK that was annoying.