Monday, September 8, 2008

A live and decreasignly sober blog of the "reimagined" Beverley Hills 90210

8.33pm: Jesus this family is so boring I want to stab myself in the brain and... wait is the new Brandon black? Hmm. On the plus side it's scientifically impossible for him to be more annoying than Jason Priestley, right?

8.35pm: Awesome - Jessica Walter! It's 11am and she's drunk - this series rocks.

8.39pm: Kelly!

8.40pm: Man that teacher is H-O-T. I'm just sayin'

8.41pm: Peach Pit! Holy shit, I'm sure that's the same dude from the original story. Now who is the new Dylan McKay? Please tell me it's not that douchebag getting a blowjob in his 4WD.

9.13pm: Oh god oh god oh god. She's singing. Holy fuck. I'm embarassed for everyone involved.

9.19pm: Now someone please - is that or is that Dad not played by the same guy from Melrose Place? Guy... something. C'mon you remember: he lived with that hot brunette chuck um Jo? Oh right, like you're too good for Melrose Place??

9.30pm: Oh whatev show - weekly bonfire parties on the beach eh?? I call bull-shit on you - bull-fucking-shit I say. And please God let Ethan keep his wetsuit on, that's all I'm asking for.

9.31pm: Thankyou.

9.32pm: No I take that back because you have fucked me, show: you have FUCKED me and fucked all your viewers by this bullshit frolicking-in-the-ocean-while-dressed BULLSHIT. Who are your writers? Who are they that they think this is what people do? Are they on acid? That's all I want to know right now, show: Are. They. On. Acid?

9.33pm: (Broken weeping)

9.37pm: Ooh double episode. Awesome.

9.40pm: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9.41pm: Now, on the plus side we have an alternate love interest to douchebag blowjob Ethan. But on the negative end of the scale said alternative love interest is a wank job and he's singing - singing! See above.

9.51pm: Am i drunk or is there a bit of ho-yay on my screen?

9.52pm: Aw crap, I think I'm drunk.

10.08pm: Oh riiight. And what was he doing standing out there on the balcony by himself? Whatev, show, whatev. And ew, he's such a tool. I bet he has crabs. Crabs he will pass onto Brenda Lite when he fucks her in seven episodes time.

10.12pm: i was so bored by this bullshit scene I started googling tit bits about the original BH90210 and came up with this stellar fucking summary of Luke Perry's character Dylan McKay. If this snippet of a truly awesome synopsis doesn't underscore exactly why the old show kicked this ones arse I don't know what does:

"Perry's send-off features his character marrying...the daughter of the mob boss who ordered his father's death during the third season. Before the marriage, Dylan attempted to use Antonia to get to her father, but falls in love with her instead. Her father, uncomfortable with the marriage, orders Dylan's death. The hired hitman inadvertently kills Antonia instead due to the fact that she is driving Dylan's car at the time of the planned hit, and is wearing a hooded raincoat, so the hitman cannot see whom he is shooting. Dylan leaves town heartbroken... it is revealed later in the series that Dylan's father was not really murdered and that he had faked his death in order to enter the Witness Protection Program."

10.20pm: Man even I kinda wish Shannon Doherty would come in and cut this poor imitator.

10.23pm: "I'm breaking up with us"???? MWAHAHAHA!!! That's actually awesome.

10.24pm: Brenda!!!

10.28pm: Okay I may have bagged it and slagged it but this show is so awesome I want to lay it down gently by the fire and make sweet love to it. That's right - I said make love: that's awesome awesomely-terribly-awesome this baby is. Aaron Spelling, you've done it again you mad bastard.

6 comments:

CB One said...

please. I flicked over and saw Brenda and blonde-chick-from-original-but-not-tori-spelling and started having convulsions. She has a son or something? I hope it's Dylans'. Or that tool Brian Austin-Greens'. Is he in the show? It was almost 1 minute I will never get back. NEVER!

my name is kate said...

Ah Brian Austin Green, Ian Ziering.. how sad I still recall their names.

However, while I will give you concessions sometimes, cb, not on this one: this show is potentially the best crap on TV right now. The mere memory of douchebag blowjob guy saying "I'm breaking up with US" brings tears to my eyes...

CB One said...

Is Andrea still running the student newspaper?

my name is kate said...

They called her something other than Andrea but I'm pretty sure they gave her the same last name - Zuckerman? Is that weird or what? Wonder if she can be as fucking irritating as Andrea Original though. Doubt it...

Anonymous said...

Kato: 9021-oh yeah!
A x

my name is kate said...

Oh Preedster, it's like you're a kindred spirit...