Sunday, May 6, 2012

To the Douchebags who stole my car

1. Thanks for not crashing it... I guess. You could have fucked shit up in the Yaris so I guess I'm grateful for the fact the only damage is a bit of weird scuffing on the back bumper I assume you incurred running over old ladies for kicks.

2. Thanks also for spilling an INSANE amount of crisp crumbs throughout the back seats. I mean, really? You had to really make sure those crumbs have made their way into every conceivable crevice? You couldn't have just... EATEN the fucking chips? Oh, that's not how they do things in Gosnells?

3. Thanks also for making sure you smashed up the beautiful china tiered tray that I had (stupidly) left in the backseat after using it for a party. I mean, you probably had to go out of your way to really smash that up so good work, guys, hope you're feeling good about that. Real classy fucking move.

4. Look, I COULD explain why there was a pair of knickers in my glove box but... I won't. Yeah I hope it's fucking EATING YOU UP INSIDE wondering what a pair of bonds briefs was doing in there along with the car manual and my spare pair of sunnies.

5. You are a blight on society and I hope one day I get to, I don't know, cut you off in traffic or bump you really rudely in the street and not apologise. Hey, maybe I'll even get to the bar at a pub after you and not tell the barman you were there first when he tries to take my order. That's right: I WILL SAY GOOD DAY TO YOU SIRS.

No comments: