Sunday, September 2, 2012

Which movie I watched this weekend was worse: She's The Man vs The Girl Next Door

This is a tough one because, let me be frank, both of these movies were fucking terrible. I won't go into the details of why I was watching them because, you know, at times my life is simply too pathetic for description. Let it suffice to say that I watched them and lived (barely) to tell the tale.

Without further ado: our contenders.

The Premise

She's The Man: A high school student impersonates her twin brother at his swanky boarding school in order to prove a point about being... good at soccer(?) Or something. Full disclosure: I may have missed the start of the movie.

The Girl Next Door: A high school student falls for his hot next door neighbour who is (spoiler) a former(?) porn star. Shenanigans ensue.

The Talent

She's The Man: If pressed I must concede that Channing Tatum has grown on me in the past few years. He was charming in 21 Jump Street and Magic Mike and word on the street is that he's a complete sweetheart. But while he does look pretty good in a tank top and he's got gravitas to spare, up close he just... I mean, his neck is too thick, his jaw is too broad and... physically he's just... not quite in my wheelhouse. I'm sorry C'Tatz - this hurts me too. On the plus side, Timothy Olyphant pops up in a minor role as the former porn star's shady pimp.

The Girl Next Door: The star of this movie, Emile Hirsch, grew up to be quite the hottie. Sadly this hotness was not yet achieved by 2004, the year this movie was made.

The Laughs

She's the Man: Almost entirely unintentional. It begins with Amanda Bynes' RIDICULOUS wig which is supposed to disguise the fact she is a) a chick b) not her brother. Let it be said that said wig achieves neither of these aims. It ends with Channing Tatum's acting.

The Girl Next Door: Maybe it was the white wine I was drinking, maybe it was because it was... getting kinda late at night but every so often this super average movie threw out a line that really made me laugh. They lose a little something without the context but come on - "I'd do things to you I wouldn't do to a farm animal" doesn't make you laugh? What about: "The beach is for fags". Okay, that last one definitely needs context but, hey, I laughed.

The Winner (Loser)

She's The Man. Even Timothy Olyphant's God-given gifts (Jesus it must be time to revisit Deadwood) can't make up for a complete lack of laughs and the many crimes against acting committed by 90 per cent of the actors involved.

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