Tuesday, October 2, 2012

An open letter to the straight women and gay men of the world,

It's time. It is TIME. Oh my lordy lord is it ever goddamn time to admit that Johnny Depp? No longer particularly hot. I know, I know it hurts. But not as much as it hurts me to look at lists like Glamour's list of 50 Sexiest Men for 2012  and see Johnny fucking Depp pipping in at number three AGAIN. That means, according to this highly scientific list, highlights from which looks like this -

1. Robert Pattinson (1)

2. Tom Hiddleston (new entry)

3. Johnny Depp (3)

4. Michael Fassbender (31)

5. Benedict Cumberbatch (33)

7. Taylor Lautner (2)

9. James McAvoy (14)

12. Ian Somerhalder (25)

13. Ed Westwick (21)

14. Alexander Skarsgard (7)

17. Ryan Gosling (46)

18. Christian Bale (re-entry)

19. Chris Hemsworth (37)

20. Tom Hardy (47)

... Johnny Depp is hotter than Michael Fassbender. And Ryan Gosling. And Ian Somerhalder. And Michael Fassbender. Yes, I know I said him twice but seriously.

Michael Fassbender.  Let's just think about that for a moment, shall we? In fact I'll give you time to go and watch X-Men: First Class, not even the whole thing just the scene with Fassbender in Argentina wearing that white shirt and, um... pants... and the bit where he speaks German and... Jesus. I can't go on. Michael Fassbender: Nazi Hunter. I die, I die. And don't even get me started on Shame.

Now go and have a look at something Johnny Depp's done lately, like say, um. THE TOURIST. Seriously. Watch the whole thing and if there is a moment where Depp makes your pulse beat one half-second faster I will call you a liar. When people Depp is super hot my suspicion is that they're fondly remembering the Depp of yesteryear, his fucked-up-awesome turn in Edward Scissorhands, his dreamy bone structure in 21 Jump Street.

Because the thing is Depp doesn't look like he used to once upon a time when he was seriously Grade A sexy. Now he looks like this - 


A moderately good-looking middle-aged man who is getting - I'm sorry but it's true - kinda doughy looking and who does not appear to believe in regular shampooing. I'M JUST SAYING.

4 comments:

Lindsay said...

BUT WHAT ABOUT HENRY CAVILL? I HAVE TO SHOUT THIS IN SHOUTY CAPITALS.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you have totally changed my view on this...

kendimen c said...

I would like to comment as a straight man... :P
I think Johnny Depp stills has "it" and not sure if Michael Fassbender wiill have it, some years from now ;)

kendimen c said...

*still