Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Kill me please one more time

The existence of a celebrity sex tape generally amuses and bewilders me in relatively equal parts.

Mostly I tend to fixate on why, exactly, so many people want to watch themselves having sex?
That is to say that sex itself is good, great, whatever but I think we all know by now it’s not exactly like it is in the movies. I won’t pain you, dear readers, with much elaboration on my personal sex life but suffice it to say I’m not entirely sure it is anything I would like to see recreated on cinemascope.

Anyway if there is anything more frightening than a theoretical sex tape it is the news that Britney Spears is facing the release of a sex tape she didn’t know existed. According to incredibly authoritative source In Touch Weekly some random man filmed himself having an “intimate encounter” with the pop tart:

"The 28-year-old man was living in Hawaii at the time, a left his camera rolling without Britneys knowledge as they became intimate at a bungalow at the Four
Seasons hotel on the Kona-Kohala Coast on June 7. He met Britney in the bar at 1am and they ended up partying together in Spears' room. "It was just normal, we didn't do anything crazy. It was a little disappointing. It lasted for about 25 minutes and then we passed out."

More mystifying, even, than how Spears could not have noticed the video camera in the corner (“seriously baby that red blinking light is just the VCR - I’m recording Grey’s Anatomy so we can watch it afterwards”) is the idea that there could be a market for this thing. Personally the
mere existence of people who actually want to watch Spears having sex makes my soul die just a little.

Sure, sure slagging off Spears these days is about as controversial as saying you’re not all that sold on Pol Pot or you think George Dubya might be a bit incompetent but, short of a sex tape
starring PP and Bush is it possible to think of something less sexy than this hopefully-non-existent tape? I’m not saying she’s some kind of hideous creature – detractors aside I think
she looks quite pretty with some slap on her face and a bit of Vaseline on the camera lens and
after years of unintentional exposure to her video clips, various awards show performances
and up-skirt magazine snaps I think I have seen enough of her anatomy not to be too shocked at a presumably naked-Spears. What I really dread is seeing and listening to an uncensored Spears - the drunken ramblings of a bimbette stupid enough not only to support Bush but to sleep with Kevin Federline at least twice. I imagine - and fear - her inspid pillow talk and doubtless high school approach to Pleasing Your Man will be enough to make grown men vent their bowels and grown women vow never to venture beneath the sheets again - or at least learn to distruct that old chestnut about the blinking VCR light in the corner. I suppose the latter is about as close as we can expect to get to a silver lining in this sorry affair.


Jessica Foster said...

How sad is it that now K-Fed seems like the normal, sane part of that pairing? She's a trainwreck, y'all.

my name is kate said...

Poor girl. In fairness I'd probably be just as fucked up if I had paparazzi following my every move and more money than sense but I'd like to think I wouldn't put the final nail in the coffin and sleep with a man (at least twice) who looks like a paedophile.