Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Or how I learned to stop trusting and fear technology

I think somebody working at google is watching me. That’s all I can think of. And it gives me the wiggins.

Allow me to explain.

I have long been amused by the adds my gmail account choses to show me on a daily basis. Sometimes they’re scarily apt as to what I’m emailing about, sometimes they’re just scary, such as the slew of baby product ads I got when I was discussing the pros (?) and cons of breeding with someone or other.

But today someone is taking their job a little too seriously and going on the offensive. For instance, while replying to an email from my brother about UK radio personality Karl Pilkington, no less, I received the following displayed down the left hand side of my screen.

10 Skinny Rules
I lost 9 lbs. in 11 days, just by following these 10 simple rules.

Trouble Losing Belly Fat?
5 Shocking Facts You Need to Know About Losing Belly Fat...

5 Tips for a Flat Stomach
Stop making these 5 mistakes & you will finally lose your belly fat!

Broken Relationship?
Instant Relief From Break Up Pain & Fastest Plan To Get Your Ex Back.

At no point were the words ‘fat’, ‘diet’ ‘exercise’ etc used in my email, or my brother’s. Nor, come to mention it, ‘break-up’, ‘ex’ or anything that could prompt this sort of unwanted life suggestions.

The only solution I can come up with is that someone, somewhere, can see me. They work for google and they know what I look like. Hey, I don’t know much about computers or, you know, technology, so for all I know this is possible. Sure, I know how to MAKE it work but I have no idea HOW it works. As far as I’m concerned the big gmail icon in the corner of my screen is a portal to a US office where google executives lounge about in ridiculously comfy armchairs, snorting at my soft corners and the gentle ripple in my thighs when the wind catches them.


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