Sunday, June 10, 2012

Balancing the scale

Often when I want to buy something I don't need (a second third copy of Maurice, perhaps, yet another pair of red heels, a $6.70 soy mocha) I tell myself that it's okay because I don't smoke. I mean, if I smoked just think of how much money I'd spend on cigarettes every day, week, month. If that's not enough (I mean, I'm just not sure I need a second poncho-jumper) I up the stakes: well, what if I was a CRACK addict, what about HEROIN? Imagine how much cash I'd blow through then. I'm saving hundreds of bucks with all this clean living I'm doing over here. I'd draw you a graph to explain just how this works but you probably wouldn't understand it.

I mention this because it's occurred to me lately that I'm not a particularly good person. I'm no monster - I try not to actively make other peoples' lives worse, I have my handful of standing orders in place - but there are many aspects of my character I don't particularly like and a few that make me feel downright awful if I think about them too hard, which obviously I try very hard not to do. With this in mind I have compiled a list of bad traits/character flaws I do not possess to convince myself I don't really need to change my ways and be a better person. So, you know, I may be kind of a cruddy human being at times but at least I don't...
  • Kill people. That's right. I'm setting the bar pretty low. I don't kill people. I have never shot a man in Reno just to watch him die. That's something, right?
  • Hurt Animals. Again: no shit. Who the fuck DOES hurt animals/kill people except serial killers or serial killers in the making? Patting myself on the back for this one seems like describing someone as a great boyfriend because he only hits you where it doesn't show. But bear with me, I'm just warming up.
  • Double dip. On the other end of the spectrum, sure, but still: that's a check in the plus column.
  • Wear harem pants. I will never undertand the appeal of these diaper pants. If you want a pair of pants you can do a shit and nobody will notice maybe you need to re-evaluate your life.
  • Ignore Beggars. Okay, so I'm really sure randoms begging on the side of the street reeeeally appreciate my patronising smile and whispered "I'm sorry" when I don't have change/am not in the mood. Doubtless my recognition of their humanity Makes Their Day. No wait, I think they'd prefer $5.
  • Kill Spiders. I'm not quite sure this is a virtue (does the world really need more spiders?) but I have to believe that opting not to kill a sentient being when you can just as easily trap it in a glass and escort it politely out to the garden makes the world a slightly better place. Flies of the world may disagree with me.
  • Write indulgent blogs that will only be of passing interest to close friends who take an active interest in my life and absolutely nobody else. Oh, wait...

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