Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Ignoring logistics I just feel like it would be really, really cold for both parties

I know it’s the done thing to rag on glossy women’s magazines about how terribly superficial they are, how boring, how pandering to gender stereotypes and how I absolutely never so much as glance in their direction at the newsagent because I’m too busy reading the fucking New Yorker and teaching myself Spanish, but the truth is that I have always loved a good magazine.

As I mentioned on this blog only too recently, I had my first Proper Journalist Job on a women's magazine and it was the kind of wonderful experience that has given me lifelong appreciation of the work that goes into the magazines I still read if not routinely then at least on a semi-regular basis. Coupled with that, I grew up reading Dolly and Girlfriend before graduating to Cosmo (and ultimately onto my current mish-mash crop of In-Style, Marie Claire and Madison, the latter being one of those magazines I always think is going to be better than it is, although I digress) and I believe those magazines were helpful to a shy young girl with no tits who genuinely didn't know why her classmates snickered when someone asked for a "rubber".

Nevertheless, I have to concede that in a lifetime of reading magazines I have come across some fairly crazy fucking shit which, I have to believe, the journos threw in on deadline because they were desperate or just really wanted to get out of the office to go to their friend's party because that dude they have a crush on said he'd totally be there.

Sadly, I have long-since thrown out all of my old magazines. So God bless Jezebel, which has reprinted this article on Cosmo's 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips, which - and I can't stress this enough, readers - should not be tried at home.

Here's just a sample of what I'm talking about but the whole thing is extremely amusing and you can read it here.
On handjobs: 
"Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other... you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle."Second opinion: make the mistake of being too gentle. At least until you ask.
On blowjobs: 
"Chew a small piece of mango... then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don't try anything too acidic, as it can burn him."Non-acidic fruit won't burn... but it will probably feel just as weird and pulpy as it sounds. 
On tits: 
"Receive a butterfly kiss... of your breasts. To do: he bats his eyelids against the supersensitive underside of your breasts."He might have to insert his head into your chest cavity, forehead up, but give it a shot. 
On a whole bunch of random shit: 
"Take a few of your favorite erotically appealing flavor combinations, like peanut butter and honey or whipped cream and chocolate sauce, and mix up yummy treats all over his body."There's a variation on this mainstay of the Cosmo canon in almost every issue. Successfully incorporating food into sex - based on my life experiences and casual surveys - is not a real thing. It's sticky, wrecks the sheets, and, if done frequently, will give you Type II diabetes. 
"Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter... Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other's body, such as the nipples."On an unrelated note, this is also a great way to train your cat not to pee on the rug. 
"Record your voice on your cell the next time you have a solo session. Then, send him the audio file in the middle of the day, with just the text, 'Wanna hear me do this tonight?'"In the middle of the day. Best time. Right when he's at work. No way that could go wrong.
Boys, if you think we're making this shit up you have no idea. I remember when I was still reading Cosmo, it would have been in the late nineties, and every single fucking sealed sex section ever must have had this one tip where you were supposed to put a shitload of ice in your mouth for an eeeextra special blowjob that would blow your partner's mind or something. Even then, as inexperienced, ignorant and far from being called up to give a blowjob anytime soon as I was, I think I knew that was a really terrible fucking idea.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I've done the ice cube blow job thing. It's fucking stupid. Ice cubes are too cold to even have in your own mouth, let alone wrapped around a cock.

My hawt tip is to text him half naked pics of yourself during the day, faceless of course, in case you end up being prime minister one day.

Failing that, wear no underpants while cooking dinner and text him that information while at the dinner table. Guaranteed success.

And fuck Cosmo and Cleo. Has there actually been anything of use in any of those mags ever? Except for the sections on STI's, but that was back in the days before the internet existed.