We'll file this under 'nutbar'...

A friend of mine likes a boy. The boy likes her. However recently she received a double-digit number of calls from him over a two-day period when she had said she wanted to be on her lonesome. The word 'fruitcake' was used and my first instinct was to agree.

Then I started to remember some of the frankly batshit crazy things I have done over the years because I liked a boy just a little too much. In my case the difference was that these boys didn't (I hope) know about any of it but does that really make it any better? Well why don't you be the judge. Because I'll tell you right now I have done more than one but less than five of the following to the objects of my affection over the years...

• Photocopied a boy's photo from his yearbook, cut it out and stuck it in my diary.
• Googled him mercilessly until I believed I had found a sort-of blog written by him. Turns out it was someone completely different with the same name but I read it religiously for several weeks.
• Visited his place of work unnecessarily on a regular basis.
• Pretended to live about 20ks away from where I lived so we could catch the same train.
• Drugged, kidnapped and had my way with him.