Thoughts I had while watching the truly awful, terrible, please-God-make-it-stop movie, Trojan War

1. Oh dear this movie is so quintessential eighties it's almost charming to look at her hairstyle and what he's wearing and how... ohdearlordno this movie was made in 1997?
2. Seriously? I can't move on. 1997? What is he wearing? Is that a jacket or a house coat. There are no words.
3. Oh, shit, he's the love interest? Jesus wept. I came of age in the nineties and... no. Just no.
4. Although Jennifer Love Hewitt was kind of cute back in the day, no?
5. So, is this movie sort of... racist?
6. Do girls actually refer to their boobs as "breasts"? Like, has anyone has in real life EVER said the words "my supple breasts?" Enquiring minds want to know.
7. Just to confirm: this guy? It's definitely THIS GUY, right? Because he looks like he's 12.
8. Oh, fuck, apparently he's six years older than me. Now I don't know what to think.
9. Yeah this movie is definitely mildly to moderately racist in a way that makes me imagine the writers sitting around a desk saying aloud "Mexicans, eh? Amiright?"
10. Big case of the Donna Martins going on here. Dear writers (monkeys?), it's not enough to have people say what an awesome guy whatshisface is: you actually need to show us SOME evidence of this fact. It's the same way everyone on 90210 used to talk about how gorgeous Donna was when the evidence, um, did not entirely support that theory.
11. Aw that's so sweet. What is more romantic than the dude you're crushing on finally realising (once you put on a slutty dress, obvs) that he'd rather share a chaste peck with you in the moonlight than nail the blonde hottie in someone else's toilet while a third party throws up in the toilet? Besides, you know, EVERYTHING.
12. I've wasted my life.