You know what really grinds my gears?

You know what really grinds my gears?

The apparent media conspiracy that is going on as to what constitutes a “healthy,” and “curvy” woman’s body.

My long-simmering rage on this has reached boiling point thanks to The West Australian’s coverage, today, of Glamour magazine’s list of sexiest female bodies.

This annual list has, this year, been topped by the lovely Scarlett Johannson which… fair call. She’s hot and I like the fact that a she can wear her giant knockers pretty well. But what really grinds my gears is that the paper goes on to make a big deal of the fact that the top women on the list were “curvier” kind of women. And sure, Boobs McScarlett qualifies. But who comes next?

Jessica Alba. Uh huh. I think she’s hot but… you know. Giselle Buchanan, who looks like a boy with tits if you ask me… Jennifer Aniston (a boy without the tits) and so on. And the paper make such a big deal of “skinny supermodel” Kate Moss being down at number 20. As though half the women above her on the list aren’t exactly as teeny tiny skinny.

The fact is that every one of the women on the list are tiny by comparison to the average woman. And that’s fair enough because it’s the business they’re in and it’s what they have to look like to succeed. I think some of them are uber hot and probably perfectly healthy too. I don’t give a toss about the list or these women’s bodies per se - I just give a toss about that media coverage that tries to make women think people like Jessica Alba and Jennifer Aniston are “curvy” and normal-sized women.

They’re not. They’re tiny, toned and put about ten times as much work into their bodies as the average woman. And again: that’s fine but don’t act like this is normal.

I hate the fucking media conspiracy to arbitrarily hail someone or other as the new saviour of “curvy” women just because you can’t see their ribs through their clothes or because their tits haven’t completely wasted away to pecs. It’s as fake and as transparently false as fucking Cameron Diaz’s outrageous claims about eating ten hamburgers before an awards ceremony. What. Ever.

So go ahead and covet these hot bodied wenches, and feel free to think some or all of them look fantastic. Just don’t pretend that this is normal or that the rise of Jessica Fucking Aniston is going to make wide-hipped, rolly-polly-stomached women everywhere suddenly believe that they have got it going on. Fucking ridiculous.