Just over a year ago, as some of you know, I was having a rather horrible time of it - one of the all time low points in my life. It was shit, I was miserable and, as you do, I started making plans to change my life. So it was around about then that I vowed to be nicer to people, value my friends more, not bitch about the incompetent, annoying or different quite so much. I would say I’ve had some success on these fronts. Sort of. But it’s a moot point because it all ends here. I can’t take it anymore.
Because you are killing me.
First of all: shut up. Just shut the fuck up. You do not need to have an opinion on everything and you do not need to be involved in every conversation taking place in a ten kilometre radius of you, especially if what comes out of your mouth is raw sewerage. Some things aren’t about you. Sometimes you can just keep your gob shut and listen to other people without saying anything. Sometimes you need a smack in the mouth.
Secondly, if you’re going to involve yourself in every conversation anyone has ever had then at least have an opinion - a proper opinion - and stick by it. Having an opinion does not mean immediately changing your mind as soon as someone disagrees with you, or creeping around and agreeing with everyone, no matter how contradictory their opposing views may be.You are a creep. And it is driving me mental.
Thirdly, stop forwarding on bullshit emails and for the love of god stop signing them in that certain way you do. You know what I’m talking about. No I don’t care to reflect on the (allegedly amusing) ways in which men differ from women when it comes to (oh you’re going to love this one) cleaning the house or having sex or what-ever. Whacking an emoticon and/or a series of exclamation points at the end of an (alleged) joke does not make it amusing or new or interesting. I don’t care. Just because some poor miscreant has passed these pearls of wisdom on to you is no reason to inflict them on the rest of us.
Fourthly… your voice really annoys me. I know it’s not your fault but it does.
Fifthly… you chew too loudly.
Sixthly… your hair looks like a toilet brush.