And don't come out until you're ready to say you're sorry

That’s it facebook, that is just about IT.

I’ve had it up to HERE with you young lady and if you think you can sit there and look at me with that SMIRK on your face then, let me tell you, you’ve got another think coming.

I have put up with fending of friend requests from people I have never MET before, I have dealt with numerous fucking irritating requests to be a pirate, grow a garden or write something on someone’s super fun super fun wall but this may be the final straw.

Not only have you spent weeks – WEEKS – inundating me with a running update of exactly how my facebook ‘friends’ rate me compared to everyone else (ie: you are the 18th best dining companion – whatev) now you have had the gall – yes THE GALL – to compare my results to a random selection of facebook ‘friends’ - and yes that’s right I said ‘friends’ and I’m putting air quotes in there - and tell me who I am most like.

Who I am most like, apparently, are three ‘friends’, all of whom, admittedly, I know but none of whom I have seen in, say, six months. At least. First up we have a former school friend whose one claim to fame I seem to recall was that she once wore a really crazy pair of PANTS to school on a free dress day. That is, quite literally, all I remember about her. Yet apparently she shares, with me, the dubious honour of being a hard worker and, apparently, not very trustworthy. Again: whatev.

Second we have somebody I actually dislike in an I-would-almost-not-brake-if-she-was-crossing-the-street kind of a way. I have met her… oooh maybe three times and, frankly, I didn’t care for her. Not actively evil, so far as I know, and possibly perfectly nice but Not One of Us. Nevertheless she along with me is super confident (gosh, it’s like you’ve known me all my life) and, like me, isn’t a very good dinner companion.

Lastly, and don’t even THINK about answering that call, Missy, you will stay where you are until I have finished, we have a vague acquaintance who, apparently shares my misfortune of being low on the ‘nicest smelling’ list. Oh now come on – that’s just CRUEL. Really? I mean, I do bathe every morning, admittedly it’s in a piping hot bath so I’m pretty much surrounded by my own filth but I am OUT there and I am putting in the effort. What more do you want – BLOOD?

Now I want you to go up to your room, scrub that SHIT off your face and think about what you have done. Mummy’s going to have a drink and a long lie-down.