But sex advice columns... well these are just the pits aren't they? I don't think I have ever read a helpful, well written or even slightly daring one since those early illict copies of Dolly were passed around in primary school. And obviously, in the context of that particular publication I don't think 'sex' column would be quite the right turn of phrase. But you know what I mean.
So how much would I love to see this sort of sex column in an Aussie mainstream paper.
Question: My boyfriend loves oral sex. I really want to please him, but I'm embarrassed by my lack of experience. How on earth do I learn how to give a good blow job?'
Answer: Oral sex is a matter of taste. Does anyone really want to put someone's penis in their mouth? That it is unseemly is not our fault. The fault lies with the manufacturer. God put the waterworks too close to the playground. Obviously, I have done it. You have to let them put it in, otherwise they won't come back...
The author - an artist/sometimes-writer called Sebastian Horsley - was fired from the paper in question (the UK's Observer) soon afterwards, partly on the basis of this column but most thanks to a pretty funny bit he wrote about anal sex, which you can read here. I think Horsley got it right with the mentality that advice columns weren't so much about giving practical advice as to crack a few jokes, be capital-O outrageous and try to incite some angry letters. Unfortuantely for him he incited a few too many, from the sounds of it.
"Sebastian Horsely (born 1962) is a London writer and artist best known for
having undergone a voluntary crucifiction. His writings often revolve around his dysfunctional family, his drug addictions, sex and his use of the services of prostitutes."
Sure, I'm not saying we should leave this man in charge of small children or, you know, electrical appliances but my god I'd like to have him as my own personal advice column...
Dear Sebastian: Lately I find I am bored with my life. Nothing seems to excite me or interest me in the same way. I think I need a change of scene or something new in my life but I'm not even sure where to start. Please help!
Dear Friend: Why not crucify yourself? And, hey, if a friend will document it with photos as the foot platform breaks, you pass out and practically fall off the fucker then even better. Good luck with all that.