A Vice I do enjoy

I love advice columns. I regularly - if slightly sporadically - read salon.com's frequently bizarre but never judgy-judgy Since you Asked, the more prosaic Bossy and anything that else I happen to stumble over, the names of which completely elude me at the moment. The appeal is obvious - it's not about advice so much as it's about being nosy. They're like reading diaries or overhearing a conversation. And, as a certain friend of mine said recently, it's nice to read about people whose lives are more fucked up than your own.

But sex advice columns... well these are just the pits aren't they? I don't think I have ever read a helpful, well written or even slightly daring one since those early illict copies of Dolly were passed around in primary school. And obviously, in the context of that particular publication I don't think 'sex' column would be quite the right turn of phrase. But you know what I mean.

So how much would I love to see this sort of sex column in an Aussie mainstream paper.

Question: My boyfriend loves oral sex. I really want to please him, but I'm embarrassed by my lack of experience. How on earth do I learn how to give a good blow job?'

Answer: Oral sex is a matter of taste. Does anyone really want to put someone's penis in their mouth? That it is unseemly is not our fault. The fault lies with the manufacturer. God put the waterworks too close to the playground. Obviously, I have done it. You have to let them put it in, otherwise they won't come back...

(You get the idea but you can read the rest of it here)

The author - an artist/sometimes-writer called Sebastian Horsley - was fired from the paper in question (the UK's Observer) soon afterwards, partly on the basis of this column but most thanks to a pretty funny bit he wrote about anal sex, which you can read here. I think Horsley got it right with the mentality that advice columns weren't so much about giving practical advice as to crack a few jokes, be capital-O outrageous and try to incite some angry letters. Unfortuantely for him he incited a few too many, from the sounds of it.

Horsley, incidently, is the sort of person I think I should hate but who, improbably, fascinates me. Not bad work for someone I was only introduced to yesterday when a friend suggested I google him. This friend had, he said, been to a book launch recently and met the old boy. Because I'm awfully good and do what I'm told instead of saying "who the fuck is Sebastian Horsley" I did so. This was about the first thing I saw:

"Sebastian Horsely (born 1962) is a London writer and artist best known for
having undergone a voluntary crucifiction. His writings often revolve around his dysfunctional family, his drug addictions, sex and his use of the services of prostitutes."

Riight....And so on and so on. Spent more than 100,000 pounds on crack in a year. Self-styled dandy. Swings both ways. Slept with more than 1000 prostitutes. Uh huh hmm. Seemed like an attention seeking tool who wanted to out-Hirst Hirst, out-Wilde Wilde and probably wanks in front of a mirror. And yet... as I say I've sort of become entranced. Imagine Quentin Crisp and the Marquis DeSade having a kid and you start to understand. Pretentious as hell, of course, but it's a bit like what Thom was saying about bad movies the other day: for 'bad movies' to be good they've got to really commit to the cheese. For a pretentious wanker to be anything more than a pretentious wanker he's got to commit to it. Having yourself literally nailed to a crucifix is, I should say, commitment.

Sure, I'm not saying we should leave this man in charge of small children or, you know, electrical appliances but my god I'd like to have him as my own personal advice column...

Dear Sebastian: Lately I find I am bored with my life. Nothing seems to excite me or interest me in the same way. I think I need a change of scene or something new in my life but I'm not even sure where to start. Please help!

Dear Friend: Why not crucify yourself? And, hey, if a friend will document it with photos as the foot platform breaks, you pass out and practically fall off the fucker then even better. Good luck with all that.

UPDATE: SH's crucifixion is on youtube for those who can take it. It's squeamish but fascinating.