The dinner party

I don't read a lot of short stories but I read this Joshua Ferris short story, "The Dinner Party", years ago and for some reason it returns to my mind again and again, year after year. I also blame it, in part, for my mild-to-moderate dinner party-induced anxiety.

Signs it is probably a good thing I am not responsible for a small child #23

When Mr Whiskerley brought a tiny (dead) mouse inside for approval I shouted "murderer! j'accuse!" at him while he stared at me with his big round eyes, wondering why I wasn't proposing a feast in honour of his hunting prowess.

Poor me

Poverty is not something I've ever had much personal experience of. I've been broke, sure, had periods in my life where I've earned very little and if you looked at my bank statements right now you could see that my credit card is one big bill away from being maxed out, I owe money to my parents and my parents-in-law and usually run out of money about two days before pay day. But this is middle class poverty and if I go on to mention that the reason my financial circumstances are so shit just now is that I'm covering one mortgage on my own and a lot of bills so my husband can cover the mortgage on the new place we just bought, I can't imagine I'd get - or deserve - much sympathy. I have to watch my money but I can still afford to have dinners out, buy the odd pair of gorgeous (and gorgeously costly) Alannah Hill stockings and pick up a glossy magazine on my way home after a bad day in the office. 

Moreover, I have well-off parents who I know will be there for me in a pinch and a husband who - although also up to his eyeballs in debt - can come up with money in a crisis. I am by no stretch of the imagination poor.

Even so, I have experienced how depressing it can be not to be able to buy what you want because you want it or to put off paying a bill by a few days when you're waiting for your pay to come in. All of which can only hint at what it's like to be properly poor and not have enough money to pay the bills - an experience journalist Amy Gray has articulated rather nicely here. You should read it: it's free.

Token Smokin' Hottie: Mark Ruffalo

This one hurts, I can't lie. Last night, while watching the (completely excellent - go and watch it now) film, You Can Count On Me, Andy made a throwaway comment about Mark Ruffalo slightly resembling my brother. Which... no. I don't see it. I will never see it and I don't think it's just because I really don't want to see it. Even so I nearly avoided posting this one because, you know, weird. Then I took a long hard look at myself and realised I shouldn't, nay, couldn't deprive the world - by which I mean my modest blog readership - of the gift of Mark Ruffalo with that little hint of a smile, that jaw and a body just begging to let it run to fat. However, in the interest of non-awkward sibling relations I will refrain from telling you what I'd like to do to him. For now.

Programming note

I draw to your attention two new additions to the list of links on the right side of this blog: Man Repeller and Advanced Style. I am not what anyone would call fashion forward but I love these blogs for the way they make me feel about clothes and style and the excitement they inspire - just every so often - about getting dressed in the morning.

I know I post this once every few years but it never fails to calm me if I think I'm having a bad day.

If You Have an Enemy

If you have an enemy, picture him asleep.
Notice his shoes at the foot of the bed,
how helplessly they gape there.
Some mornings he needs three cups of coffee

to wake up for work,
and there are evenings when he drinks alone,
reading the paper down to the want ads,
the arrival times of ships at the docks.

Think of him choosing a tie,
dialling wrong numbers,
finding holes in his socks. Chances are
his emptiness equals yours

When you thoughtlessly hurry a cashier
for change, or frown to yourself
in rush hour traffic and the drivers behind you

begin to remind you
the light has turned green.

(John Skoyles)

I'm super subtly implying I'd shag Quicksilver. Repeatedly.

I disagree with many of the choices made in this game of Shoot, Shag, Marry but words can't describe how happy I am it exists.

(For the record, the correct answer is Beast, Wolverine and Professor X, unless we're throwing young Quicksilver into the mix in which case... well. I mean, welly well well well...)

Hate and love

Love: The Man Repeller. Being funny and clever at the same time is hard. Being funny and clever about a subject like fashion is very hard indeed.

Hate: Mamamia.com.au Do I need to explain why? It's because they're shit, okay.

Love: A Girl Called Jack. I felt for Jack Monroe when I read her heartbreaking "Hunger Hurts" blog as a single Mum on benefits in the UK struggling to get buy on feck all money. I fell for Jack Monroe when I received her cookbook in the post (proceeds to charity ya'll, get on it) and found her recipes to be simple, charming and tasty as.

Hate: The level of condescension I've encountered in an, um, new work-related venture.

Love: The generosity of some people I deal with at work. I'm not a very generous person but I admire the quality in others and some people continue to astound when it comes to how freely they give of their time, ideas and words.

Hate: Logging onto Twitter. Okay, I don't hate it at all - Twitter is a hugely useful resource and mostly very entertaining. At the moment though... I just can't take it. Too much I say.

Love: Joel Dicker's novel The Truth About the Harry Quebert Affair. The art of writing a well-written page turner never fails to impress.

Hate: Getting out of bed at 5.30am to go to the gym before work now it's dark and cold and Mr Whiskerley is usually draped over my head.

Love: Feeling strong and fit. I only started exercising regularly to lose some weight but the thing I love best, okay next to the fact I can eat cake and not put on weight, is the new muscles I've discovered in my arms and legs. I'm lame, this I know.

You did not eat that

I am on Twitter. I am on Facebook. But when it comes to Instagram I just... cannot. I have no... just no. I don't have a problem with other people enjoying it an all but I feel deep in my bones it is simply Not For Me. This little article on the Instagram account You Did Not Eat That is the first thing I've read that makes me think maybe I'm wrong and I'm missing out. Because, you know: heh.

Winging it

This is a lovely little column about one of life's greatest (for me, anyway, so far) realisations: that everyone in life is winging it. I wish someone could have convinced me of this face 10 years ago.

Happy Wednesday

"Since that moment it is all up with me. My last remaining shreds of happiness and self-confidence have been blown to the winds, I can do no more. Yes, I am unhappy; I freely admit it, I seem a lamentable and absurd figure even to myself. And that I cannot bear. I shall make an end of it. Today, or tomorrow, or some time, I will shoot myself. My first impulse, my first instinct, was a shrewd one: I would make copy of the situation, I would contribute my pathetic sickness to the swell of literature of unhappy love. But that was all folly. One does not die of an unhappy love affair; one revels in it. [ . . . ] But what is destroying me is that hope has been destroyed with the destruction of all pleasure in myself. I cease to write, fling the pen from me -- full of disgust, full of disgust! I will make an end of it -- alas, that is an attitude too heroic for a dilettante. In the end I shall go on living, eating, sleeping; I shall gradually get used to the idea that I am dull, that I cut a wretched and ridiculous figure."

(Thomas Mann, The Dilettante)

3 reasons Croupier is a great, great movie you should be watching right now.

1. Clive Owen. No really: CLIVE OWEN. I've long had a reasonably soft spot for Owen, with his symmetrical good looks and gravelly tones, but the last movie I loved him in was Sin City - quite some time ago - and I'd forgotten just how entrancing he can be when he's entirely on form. He is electric. He is fantastic. I want to have 300 of his babies. Or maybe just eat him with a spoon.

2. The whole movie is quietly full of really quite brilliant advice about how to live your life. As someone who has no idea how to live life I eat this shit up with a spoon. You're either a croupier or a gambler, Owen's character intones at one point, and I find myself thinking yes, yes you're so right. But my favourite, and a little line I use again and again on myself to recover from loss or disappointment? "Hang on tightly, let go lightly." How perfect is that? It's perfect it is.

3. "Now he had become the still centre of that spinning wheel of misfortune. The world turned 'round him leaving him miraculously untouched. The croupier had reached his goal: he no longer heard the sound of the ball." This is the opening monologue to the movie. If you can watch it and turn off the movie without watching a minute more then you, Sir, are mental.

"The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places. But those that 

will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If 

you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry." 

(Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms)

Modern curses

May you be seen crying at work. 

May the most substantive emotional support you can offer a grieving friend be the febrile sentiment “Sending good thoughts your way” in a Facebook comment.

May your partner never be awake when you whisper “Are you awake?” because you desperately need a... (Read the original entry here)

Sad things from the interweb

I'm not crying. I've just been chopping onions. I'm making a lasagna...

Lessons learned from watching the movie That Awkward Moment

Women be shopping.

Fun Fact: Scenes from my gym

My body combat class has a move called "street brawl" where you literally pretend you are holding someone down on the ground with one arm so you can repeatedly punch them with the other. I... don't know how to feel about that.

Being sick: then and now.

Then: It meant a day off school.

Now: I usually feel too guilty to call in sick, convince myself I'll be fiiiiine and wind up shivering at my desk, staring into the middle distance and feeling wretched. See: today.

Then: People (read: my parents) brought me sweet treats and let me eat them rugged up on the couch in front of the TV.

Now: I just did a coffee run for the office and now I have some random veggie stew for lunch that looks a bit like vomit. If I'm not already sick before I eat it...

Then: People (again, read: my parents) took care of me.

Now: I can't even take care of myself. I mean I'm really thirsty but the walk to refill my drink bottle is just... too much.

Blubber

Clearly I am a big pussy because I started to write something about this awhile ago but then I started reading it properly and sort of blubbing and so I stopped that and never wrote the post because, you know: tears. This time I’m not even going to try to write something about what Jillian Meagher’s husband has written, except to say that it is probably important and definitely gutsy and – as the blubbing may suggest – quite sad. I also can't stop thinking about the Maya Angelou quote he mentions, which is lovely:

Since Jill died, I wake up every day and read a quote by Maya Angelou – “history, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.”

Things you do not want to happen to you while at the movies and eating a delicious easter egg that happened to me at the weekend:

Have the button on your jeans literally... fall off. I mean, the easter egg wasn't that big...

Words to live by

"Elegance is refusal." (Coco Chanel)

Overheard in my lounge room

"If Mr Whiskerley (the cat) was a character in Les Miserables, who would he be?"


(The answer, btw, is clearly Enjolras - I will truck no argument)

For X-Men geeks only

Gambit was always my favourite X-Men character, pretty much because he and Rogue were cute as a button together what with all the tortured feelings and, well, I'm not saying I attempted to write (and illustrate!) a spin-off comic involving those two but I'm also not saying I didn't, if you see what I mean. I digress. What I'm saying is that Gambit in the comics is cool, damnit, especially to an impressionable tween. That fact did not stop me from laughing at this skit because... well, kind of yeah.

Things that grind my gears

Those two dicks from Queensland on My Kitchen Rules who always talk about "the ladies" and make gross sexist generalisations about all of womankind. Their most recent generatlisation about a dinner party that was all women was that, because of the absence of cock, "it could go one of two ways - a hen's night or a cat fight". Ew, no.

Scenes from my life

I know it sounds like a made up line from a book or a dumb movie but today at the gym when I opened my purse to take out my membership card a chocolate bar wrapper fell out. THAT IS ALL.

The Skinny

I haven’t been blogging too much for a number of reasons but perhaps the biggest is that I have been a bit too preoccupied with that most boring of all things: losing weight.

My weight loss has not been a big exciting thing, like those women you read about who lose 200 pounds, but a sort of small, slow and pretty dull thing. I only had about 5kg to lose and I lost it in the most boring way possible: I went to the gym more. I ate less. I drank less. I socialised less. It was fiiiiine.

Now I find myself in that weird place where I’m no longer doing what I’ve spent the past couple of months trying to do –lose weight – and just trying to keep it off. It takes practices that maintenance does. I’ve never been one for regular weigh-ins in the past but that’s probably why my weight has fluctuated over the years. In the past I’ve never really realised when I’m getting plumper or skinnier until I see myself in photos and think ‘oooh’. Now I try to weigh myself most days and although I know plenty of people who think it’s weird and head fucky to weigh yourself that often I find it works for me and stops me from freaking out over an anomaly. I try not to let my day be determined by the number on the scale although, as Andy can attest, it does affect my mood. I’m only human. Except for the fact that a lot of my dresses no longer fit as well as they did and tend towards looking slightly sack-like I like my ‘new’ body. I’m fitter than I’ve been in years and years, I think I look better. My boobs are… well they’re actually kind of small. I’m not sure how I feel about that bit, actually, but I’m getting used to it. So for me, although it’s been a boring few months I’m glad I did it.

This post is not in keeping with the spirit of this blog, inasmuchas there IS a spirit of this blog but for whatever reason I felt like I had to write something to acknowledge what I’ve been up to. Losing a few kilos, which is not such a big thing, has changed other aspects of my life too because of the ways in which my lifestyle has changed. It's made me happier, calmer, just... better. 

Anyway, this entry was prompted by a recent meeting with a friend, who was surprised by my slightly-skinnier body and asked how I’d done it. I mumbled something self deprecating and changed the subject, as I am known sometimes to do, but when I got home that night I lay awake and thought about it. So this, young readers, is what I should have said to my friend.

• I ate less food. Yeah, I know: it’s boring.
• I wrote down what I ate. I plugged it into a handy little app on my phone that came with an even handier little wrist gadget that tracks my steps and sleep patterns but I could just as easily have written it in a notepad. Something about knowing I would have to type in ‘giant Caramello koala’ into my phone would make me stop when I reached for the fundraising chocolate box. Some of the time anyway. I'm not going to lie: I still ate quite a few Caramellos.
• I exercised more. Again: Zzzzz. I tried a whole bunch of different gym classes I’d never tried before, got well and truly out of my comfort zone and had, dare I say it, a lot of fun doing so. I never thought I could go to 6am gym classes before work. I'm not a morning person, I told myself: I love staying up at night. But I started doing it once a week, then twice, then more and it made me feel so good I didn't mind adjusting my bedtime to 10.30 instead of 12. I've never been an exercise nut but throwing myself into it like this and making it part of my daily routine has changed my life for the better. I've always been prone to what you could nicely call 'blue moods' and as many times as I heard that exercise was a great treatment for depression I didn't pay it as much heed as I should have. I can't say whether the change in my outlook is down to the exercise or a whole bunch of things but, although I still have days when I feel soul-crushingly down, my good days are getting more common and my bad days less common. As much as I really hate it when my alarm goes off at 5.30am my morning workout sets up my whole day so that I go to work feeling tired but also energised. I don't think it's endorphins per se - in no way do I get anything approaching a natural high from exercise, I seriously have no idea what people talk about when they say this - but I feel healthier and that makes me want to eat better and be nicer to myself as well. This attitude definitely did not arrive overnight - for a few weeks I was dragging myself to the gym basically against my will - but it did arrive and I'm grateful. I know, I know: VOM. I’ll let myself out.
• I told people what I was doing. Not a lot of people but close friends heard me crap on about “Project Skinny” probably more than they cared to. I don’t know why telling people about it helped but it did. At the very least I guess I didn’t want to publicly fail.
• I prioritised. Along with the whole exercise thing this was maybe the biggest change I made. Before I was trying to lose weight I’d always say yes to everything: yes to work drinks, dinners, coffees, cake at work… I could go on. In hindsight I can see I had a total fear of missing out on a great night. Once I was trying to lose weight, however, I found I had to learn to say no. So although I still went to the dinners and drinks and coffees I really wanted to I no longer felt obliged to go to the pub if I wasn’t in the mood or felt guilty for staying in on Saturday night when I had loads of people I 'should' have been catching up with. I had an excuse. Similarly, when someone at work brought in cake for their birthday I didn’t feel obliged to eat it to be polite: if it looked great and I wanted some I had it (I'm still thinking about that warm fig cake FUUUUCK). If I thought I’d rather skip the cake and have wine with dinner  for comparable calories then I did that instead. Prioritising like this actually felt tremendous and is something I intend to apply to all aspects of my life, not just my still-kinda-soft tummy. 

Phew. There you go. The first and last time I ever hope to write about weight loss. Because: boring.

Less boring: Comedy Central’s new show, Broad City (just to completely change the subject). I’ve only watched two episodes and it has thoroughly charmed my heart. Go watch.

Just for today, give me this

I am so over people. I know I’m just having a bad day. I know people are not all bad. On the contrary I believe most people are nice or at least good, honestly I do. But today… well, today people are just The Worst.

I am over people at work. I am over pitching stories, working hard on stories and not seeing those stories run or seeing them cut to shit. I am over having to make conversation, take an interest in other people’s lives and answer my damn phone. I am over people blaming their mistakes on me.

I am over people outside of work who run down my employer and/or my profession even though they don't understand it or, possibly worse, ask if I've been on holiday because they haven’t seen my name in the paper for awhile. Tip to the world: PLEASE NEVER SAY THAT TO A JOURNALIST UNLESS YOU HATE THEM AND WANT TO MAKE THEM CRY.

I am over the person who emailed me today to tell me what an awful person I was for trying to do my job in the least invasive and traumatic way possible. I am over what a bitch she was, even if she had a right to be pissed at me, and I am over fighting the urge to be a bitch back. I am super over the way she corrected my spelling. I mean, whatafuckingbitch.

I am over the person who keeps harassing me to do a story on something that is not a subject I cover and is not a story anyway. I am over her passive aggression and her stupid follow-up emails. I am over the way my heart sinks when I hear her voice.

I am over the woman at the local café who I swear smirks at me every time I go in because she probably thinks I’m a loser for drinking so much hot chocolate.

I am over my friend of 10+ years who got married and from whom I literally never heard again. I am over the fact she is now pregnant and the only way I know that is because I’m Facebook friends with her husband.

I am over friends who never ever instigates catch-ups and leave me secretly suspecting that they hate me.

I am over the woman who takes my Monday morning Body Pump class and always stuffs up the routines or makes her own changes that confuse everyone, including me. I am over the girl who was in front of me today and couldn’t get the timing right. I am over the other girl who put her bench super close to mine even though there was a tonne of room. I am over the guy at the desk who spoke to me that one time and now acts like we didn’t have a proper conversation ever and he doesn’t even recognise me. I am NOT over the good instructor who takes my Body Attack class and on whom I have a deep non-sexual crush based on admiration of her upper arms.

Today I am basically over the world.

Tomorrow: free hugs!

"In the middle of winter I at last discovered that there was in me an invincible summer."

(Albert Camus, Return to Tipasa)

Overheard in my office cubicle or How a Stranger Broke My Heart

Hotelier: We had (celebrity) stay with us recently.

Me: Really? I had such a crush on him back in the day.

Hotelier: Yeah he's pretty lecherous these days.

Fan me

Not to offend the interwebs or anything but in my experience 99.9 per cent of fan fiction is not for me. Much as I love, love, love Rainbow Rowell's book about the topic, Fangirl*, I don't seek out or read fan fiction except in unusual circumstances because I'm just not interested in what most people have to write. Which made it all the more delightful to stumble onto this bit of truly delightful fan fiction where a well known (to certain types of people) fan fiction author writes a short, funny fan fiction about... not cheating on her husband with Benedict Cumberbatch. It is delightful.



* Seriously, it so so so good. This is the first book in a long time that I have finished and just... started reading it again because I wasn't ready for it to end.

Giles for the win

Yes, yes a thousand times yes. In any event, I've been in love with Giles (no I don't recognise his actual name) since I saw him laughing hard at a very dirty Buffy-related joke at an awards ceremony. Oh the times we would have together.

Word

Signs I need to get a life #17

This actually made me really angry. For at least a few minutes.

Advice to live by

"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together." 

(Elizabeth Taylor)

I have a two-pack

Kind of. That's right: I kind of have a two-pack!. It popped up overnight: last night, as I wiped Connoisseur choc-chip caramel ice-cream from my mouth and hopped into bed I swear my stomach looked like normal. Today: abs! Two of them! Okay, sure, most people who *have abs* have a six pack. Maybe even an eight-pack. But as someone who last had stomach definition back in the nineties (maybe) and has never exercised as hard as I am right now, I'll take my two puny abs and celebrate. Two is still better than none, after all. And, um, now I just have the four more to go.

Conversations

One of the State's top scientists: I've lost 13 kilograms in the past couple of months.

Me: Wow. How?

Him: Not eating.

Me: That'll do it.

Valuable ways I have spent my time lately:

Gorging on Season 3 of Veronica Mars to prepare - mentally, emotionally, um, physically?, for the Kickstarter-funded movie. Yes, I'm concerned it's going to be fan servicey as hell but do I care? Hells to the no: I've been in Logan Echolls' camp so hard since that first kiss outside the motel room in season one and man I really need to go back and revisit those early seasons, I'll see ya'll in a month.

I will be buying this month's British Vogue

In case you were interested.

Weird things I have discovered I am not half bad at lately:

* Removing nails from wood with a crowbar (don't ask).

* Learning the aerobics-based routines for my body attack classes (who woulda thunk it?).

* Cooking omelets (I have never been able to make a particularly good omelet and now, holy shit, I can almost every time and it's amazing to me).

*Bullying people into doing what I want (ok this sounds like a bad thing but in a work context it's useful - historically I've been a bit of a doormat so for me this is a step forward).

* Stepping on Mr Whiskerley's tail in the night (this is definitely not a good thing but it weird me out how good my foot is at seeking him out in the dark).

Signs The Husband and I may be well matched:

Me: So I sort of ate half of last night's trifle for breakfast. I feel shame. But the rest is yours for dessert.

Him: I ate the other half for breakfast.

Cute overload

I don't normally go in for cute, particularly when it involves old people. For one, I don't find old people cute and, for another, I find it sort of gross and infantilising when old people are treated like they're just sooo cuuutte. FFS: they've been here longer than you, they're not a fucking puppy.

That much said this story about an old Japanese woman and her cat or, rather, the photos, just undid me. The one where the woman pushes the cat through the field on a little trolley thing? I die. I die.

The run continues

I love going to the movies. I love everything about it: the darkness, the fact that you're forced to focus on the screen and nothing else, the enforced laziness of sitting in a chair for two hours and the ability to get carried away by a story.  I like to see a lot of movies because I like to make up my own mind about whether I like them: part of what I understand about the movie-going experience is that there will be good ones and there will be bad ones. That's the deal I sign on for.

So it strikes me as unusual that the last three movies I've seen - Her, Inside Llewyn Davies and most recent Blue is the Warmest Colour - have all been freaking tremendous. I came out of Her buzzing, thinking "I can't remember the last time I saw a movie that made me feel like that". And I came out of ILD feeling exactly the same way... and ditto for Blue. In each case the movie has stayed with me for days and I've found myself wanting to go back to the cinema for a repeat viewing. It's very weird.

Part of me has wondered if I'm just become less picky than I used to be, if nowadays I'm prepared to call any 7/10 movie "wonderful. life changing etc". But I don't think so. Instead I think that for some reason - luck, good instincts, all of the above - I've just had a terrific run of movies. I don't know when it well end - maybe never. Maybe I'll never see a bad movie again, Perhaps I'm destined to see modern classic after modern classic for the rest of my movie-going life.

I certainly have high hopes for the next movie on the list: Vampire Academy*.




* So I'm only sort of taking the piss because although I really doubt VA will continue my run it's based on a fantastic book series and I'm genuinely super excited for it so there.

Conundrum: to post or not to post

On the one hand, this girl is maybe the cutest thing I've ever seen and I must share her with the world.
On the other hand, looking at her photo makes me want to never leave the house again. Like, ever.

(Photo comes from the wonderful The Sartorialist, which you should all be reading)

This made me laugh

For True Detective fans only.

Falling asleep to a Russian woman folding towels? Ain't nothing weird about that.

This is not something with which I can particularly identify but for some reason just knowing this is A Thing makes me happy.

Katharine Pierce for the win

This one is for The Vampire Diaries fans only.

So...

...this cut of season three of Sherlock to fit the trailer of My Best Friend's Wedding is legit awesome. Mild spoilers (I guess maybe) if you haven't seen season 3 but WHY HAVEN'T YOU SEEN SEASON THREE IT'S AMAZING?

Things I have learned about myself after 2 months of dramatically increased exercise:

1. I need to buy sneakers. Continuing to wear my Fred Perrys like the gym hipster is now borderline unacceptable. Also I think the sole is starting to peel off one of them.

2. I am a cheapskate. At least when it comes to spending money on exercise clothes. See my point above: I think nothing of dropping pennies on a cute dress or pair of flats but will I shell out for a pair of running shoes that don't leave my feet aching after a body attack class? I will not. This also explains why I spend most gym classes loping around the room in a baggy tshirt I once got free with a copy of Marie Claire magazine. True story.

3. I cannot exercise alone in a gym and be reasonably trusted to tire myself out. I used to hate group fitness classes but they work because I am too shamed to stop when I'm tired when others are watching.

4. I'm not sure I believe in the whole post-exercise high thing. I mean endorphins... I guess they exist but when people talk about the amazing natural high they get after a grueling run or gym class I wonder what I'm doing wrong or what they're doing right. In no way does my feeling of smug satisfaction post-workout equate to a natural high. Possibly the closest the people who promote this bullshit have ever been to a not-so-natural high is a big glass of red cordial when they were 7.

5. I will never look as good as Olivia Newton John in a headband.

I die, basically

I don't know how I feel about this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch wearing a Sherlock Hemlock tshirt.

To clarify: I do know how I feel about this photo of Benedict Cumberbatch wearing a Sherlock Hemlock tshirt but I can't quite express my complex emotions on a, you know, public family-friendly blog.

There is really...

... nothing not to like here.

Overheard in my office

"It would just be nice to know whether they're just chatting or having, you know, paedophile play dates."

“Do you know what love is? I’ll tell you: it is whatever you can still betray.”
― John le Carré

Oh Sali

I think I fucking love you.

The Help I Need Is Not Available Here (a poem by Alli Warren)

I need help with long term hope

I need help with the dawn

of war and achieving

my new year's resolutions

This praise song

and the problem of pornography

structures this praise song

as speaking placement

I need help moving my chickens

I need help with girl problem

my dog, like, keeps marking the wrong areas?

and my breasts

this most pressing issue

like choosing between best friends

a distance problem involving constant

acceleration and tethering glitches

The party's all "descendant selectors, please!"

and me I'm in my handspring visor

and my bird plucking problem

I need help with a bat script for parsing

I need help with pricing with naming this

praise song I said

I seriously need help with the whole set up ASAP!

so it's

40.08 /100.09 (grams of molecular mass of calcium carbonate) ⁼

moles of calcium

then

(moles of Calcium x .1973ml (convert grams to ml)) / 0.05

I got 1.580 ml

is that right?

Bad days

I’ve been having a few bad days lately. It’s boring, work-related stuff but I’ve been down in the dumps, feeling a bit frazzled and generally sorry for myself. Then I read this on a random Tumblr:

“…imagine showing Arthur Weasley a gif for the first time. At first of course he’d just think it was a normal wizard photograph, but then you’d explain that muggles made it and his heart would just explode with joy over these muggles making such amazing shit even though they have no magic at all. How amazing. How inventive. Maybe whenever you’re feeling bad about yourself imagine how much Arthur Weasley would enjoy meeting you.”

It works. I was sitting here feeling grumpy and then I thought about how much Arthur Weasley would enjoy meeting me and I instantly felt better. I thought of the way he’d smile and how that smile would light up his eyes, I thought of the questions he’d ask me and how fascinated he would be by my stupid answers. This isn't sarcasm: this is honesty Okay, I may have cheated a little bit by kind of slipping into a side fantasy in which he also introduces me to his cute older son but I DIGRESS.

The main point is worth repeating: whenever you’re feeling bad about yourself imagine how much Arthur Wesley would enjoy meeting you.

I will never tire of Sherlock's reaction to John's description of his wedding day as the most important day of his life. Because: Ehhhhhh

(Originally posted at http://destinationtoast.tumblr.com/)

You might think this is a spoiler for season three of Sherlock but you're wrong (still not sorry)

This and the image below come from the wonderful Rainbow Rowell's Tumblr account, which you should most definitely check on out.

I'm sorry (but I'm not sorry)

My Sunday Reading

Is this Dorothy Parker short story. Because sometimes Sunday blues need company.

Kate Cumberbatch

I am a fan of Benedict Cumberbatch. To be specific: I am a big fan of Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes in the wonderful series Sherlock. To be maybe a little bit too specific: I would like to do terrible things to him. That much said, although Martin "Dr Watson" Freeman has never done anything for me I have to say that this photo could almost change my mind about that. The cuffed jeans... the cardigan... the expression on his face.... Don't get me wrong: I would still choose Cumberbatch 10 out of 10 times but, you know, maybe Freeman could stay in the room.

Things I said after a screening of 12 Years a Slave that summed up my reaction to the movie (Possible spoiler if you haven't seen it so, um, maybe stop reading now if you're likely to)

"So, Brad Pitt solved slavery, right?"

If you, like me, have missed Charlie Brooker

I know, right?

I will cut a bitch before I stop saying that I will cut a bitch.

Scenes from a journo life

Me: Hi, I'm from (my media organisation). Is there someone there who handles media queries.

Her: We're not commenting.

Me: But I haven't told you what I'm calling about.

Her: What are you calling about?

Me: I'm calling about (what I'm calling about).

Her: We're not commenting.

Dilemma

Do I want to be Anna Calvi or do I want to go gay and do Anna Calvi? It's a toughie.

“Because . . . most of us think that the point is something to do with work, or kids, or family, or whatever. But you don't have any of that. There's nothing between you and despair, and you don't seem a very desperate person.'

'Too stupid.'


'You're not stupid. So why don't you ever put your head in the oven?'


'I don't know. There's always a new Nirvana album to look forward to, or something happening in NYPD Blue to make you want to watch the next episode.'


'Exactly.'


'That's the point? NYPD Blue? Jesus.' It was worse than he thought.


'No, no. The point is you keep going. You want to. So all the things that make you want to are the point. I don't know if you even realize it, but on the quiet you don't think life's too bad. You love things. Telly. Music. Food.” 


― Nick Hornby, About a Boy

I didn't expect it...

... but this made me laugh. I'm an idiot.

I want to read...

.. all the books.

Winning the internet?

These guys.

The future of Amazon's sorry-we-missed you delivery slips...

Should this become reality.

(Image via Twitter user @QuantumPirate but you can get some background by reading these guys)

Things I really have to stop saying #23

"You haven't read Rainbow Rowell's books? You MUST read Rainbow Rowell. She's amazing. You'll love her. Here, borrow my copy of Eleanor and Park immediately so we can talk about it. I'll call you in an hour: read fast."

Dear Sam Rockwell

Please marry me and allow me to have 200 of your children. That is all.

Hats off

Even if I have never bored you with the story of The Time I Spent an Insane Amount of Money (for me, at the time) On a Fancy Hat you will understand, I hope, why this round-up of some of the world's best hats has sort of charmed me. Except for the Bieber and Lady Gaga. Ugh they're just the worst, no?

Conversations with my physio

Him: So then turn 180 degress.

Me: Uh huh.

Him: That's not 180 degrees.

Me: Oh yes I-

Him: That's 90 degrees.

My current obsession

Is the Man Repeller blog. You know MR: she blogs about the kind of clothes women love that men find a big fat snooze. And even though I find many - MANY - of her clothing choices to be... unfortunate I still love her with a fierceness that makes zero sense.

The Dream Boat

For anyone who hasn't already read this New York Times article written by a journalist who made a perilous boat trip from Indonesia to Australia, alongside a boatload of refugees, it is basically essential reading. I had avoided it for a little while because I knew it would make me sad and now yeah... that.

Thoughts I had while watching Thor 2

1. Chris Hemsworth's body is... too much. And not in a good "woah he's too much" kind of a way but in a THERE IS TOO MUCH OF IT kind of a way.

2. I don't know enough about physics to know whether any of what's going on makes any sense at all.

3. Asgard really needs to spend a little bit less of its time and money on the elaborate architecture and the robes and a little bit more on its defensive capabilities. Maybe don't leave the task of defending the entire city up to, say, ONE GUY.

4. I want to see a spin-off featuring just Kat Dennings and the dorky/cute intern where they solve mysteries and drive around in that shit-heap of a red Volvo.

5. Related: I could also watch stuff falling through wormholes in and out of various worlds with comedic results more or less forever. I'm simple that way.

"Just ask this scientician"

Fabulous Fashionistas

Like many people (I assume) I don't look forward to getting old. It's not so much about getting soft(er) corners and wrinkles so much as the feeling that the older I get the more my options narrow and the more boring those options become. So I can highly recommend this incredibly charming UK documentary (albeit with a slightly shit name), which follows some unconventional older women and has genuinely made me think - at least for a moment or two - well that doesn't seem so bad...

Overheard in my lounge room

Me: Do you mind if I watch an episode of Seinfeld?
Him: Can we watch the one with the funniness?
Me: The funny episode... of Seinfeld?

Things I did this evening:

Just this, basically.

Harken to this

In which Sam DB articulates some of the reasons I too love a bit of Dan Savage.

The Bridge

This one comes via the wonderful Lindsay and has kept me lying in bed this morning, watching it, when I should be sweating it out at the gym or doing a load of washing or something. The documentary looks at the phenomenon of people who kill themselves (or try to) by jumping off the Brooklyn Bridge and it is sad and fascinating.



Note: If you wound up at this page because you googled "suicide" or "how to kill yourself" and you're in a very bad place then you should a) call someone: Lifeline is a good place to start if you're in Australia - a friend or family member will do; b) believe me when I say I have done a pros and cons list many times and decided suicide is Not The Answer and c) read this because it is one of the best arguments for living I guess that I've read.

“The sense of unhappiness is so much easier to convey than that of happiness. In misery we seem aware of our own existence, even though it may be in the form of a monstrous egotism: this pain of mine is individual, this nerve that winces belongs to me and to no other. But happiness annihilates us: we lose our identity.” (Graham Green, The End of the Affair)

Star Flaws

If being able to watch this Star Wars blooper reel isn't exactly what the internet was made for then I don't know what is. Watching the storm troopers struggling to get through a hole in the wall has, well, I'm a sad person because it's made my day.

Words...

... cannot describe how much I enjoyed this article by Annabel Crabb on women on TV and make-up. If you like this little taster - 

"How did we get to the point, as an evolutionary species, where a woman who is intending to appear on television must first have her face coloured in by another human being, working intently at very close range, sometimes for up to 90 minutes? The experience itself is one of the most intimate encounters one can have - outside the medical, massage and cottaging fields - with a person one is not actually dating"

- then you will too.

Summer Reading Suggestions (even though it's not really summer)

I've been reading a fair bit lately and while there have been some books I've not enjoyed it feels like, for a change, I've enjoyed rather a lot of the books that have come my way - a pleasant surprise. So although it's technically not exactly summer it's close enough that you should all be thinking about books to curl up with in the Christmas holidays. These, for what they're worth, are my recommendations.

Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
The plot to this sounds like the kind of thing that would normally make me retch: a young woman goes to work for a quadriplegic who wants to die and tries to liven up his life. There's a good reason I have never read Tuesday's With Morrie, you know - sentimentality is tedious. But this is a gorgeous book and I devoured it.

Big Brother by Lionel Shriver
The premise of this book is that the protagonist goes to the airport to pick up her brother and finds out, to her horror, that he has gained hundreds of pounds since she saw him last. The book that follows from that premise is fascinating for anyone who is interested in the relationship between people and food and society and weight. I make it sound boring but it's a cracking read and - for my money - Shriver's best since the wonderful The Post Birthday World.

Reconstructing Amelia by Kimberly McCreight
This book stood out to me because someone had likened it to Gone Girl - Gillian Flynn's insanely addictive thriller that would be on this list except everyone's been talking about it for so long that I assume you've probably either read it or deliberately avoided it. It's not really like Gone Girl except that it requires a mystery to be solved and I don't think it's as cleverly put together but the story, which follows a mother's efforts to discover why her daughter threw herself off a building, is nonetheless compelling.

Night Film by Marisha Pesel
I had high hopes for this novel about a disgraced journalist who starts to investigate a prominent film director in the wake of the suicide of the director's daughter. Pesel's first book, Special Topics in Calamity Physics, had a lot of promise but fell a bit short of being a great book and I figured that this time around she probably had her shit together. Sadly, this contained some of the same shortcomings and it's not the great novel it could have been. Still, I would recommend for anyone planning on lounging by the pool with a cocktail in the foreseeable future.

Tampa by Alissa Nutting
This is one of those books that will probably wind up on book club lists and appal some people. It's been billed as Lolita told from a female perspective (a female teacher who likes to sleep with 14 year old boys) but, to be frank, that's an oversell: it's well written but nowhere near as funny and audacious and poetic as that book. But it is a slightly filthy romp that I tore through in an afternoon and think you could too.

The Last Letter From Your Lover by Jojo Moyes
It seems like cheating to include two novels by Moyes but reading Me Before You made me want to explore her back catalogue and this was the one I started with. The book is packaged very much as chick lit but if it falls into that category then it's one of the best examples of the genre. It's not a Great Novel and history will probably forget it but it completely entranced and charmed me while I was reading it and that's not something I can say about too many books.

The Dinner by Herman Koch
I'm a bit out of date with this one, since I think everyone was sort of talking about it a year or so ago, which was around about when I read it. For some reason, though, I've been thinking about it again lately, which is always a sign that a book has stayed with you. Despite being set in The Netherlands the set up - a couple go out for dinner to talk about... what? - is familiar enough to draw you in and the ultimate reveal is... well. Yikes. I loved it.

60,000

That's the word count milestone I've finally cracked on my Terrible Novel. Unfortunately the novel is still terrible but fuck it: I told myself I would finish it, regardless of how much I inevitably grew to hate it and I'm sticking to that game plan. I don't even hate it that much. Not all the time anyway. To conclude: yay me.

Things that suck about being sick on my holidays

1. I'm sick on my holidays.

2. The cash I had earmarked for something indulgent like a manicure or a haircut has been spent on cold meds and anti-inflammatory drugs.

3. I feel faintly blerg all the time but don't feel like I can justify staying in bed because I should be doing All The Things.

4. My pockets and bags are filled with tissues in various states of use.

5. I'm sick on my goddamn holidays.

Movies I am currently watching to cheer me up a little bit after Atonement

1. Celeste and Jesse Forever. Actually it's a little bit depressing too but it's funny and cute and I think my Andy Samberg crush is back with a vengeance.

Movies I have watched today that made me cry and cry and cry some more.

1. Atonement. Fuck. James McEvoy - only you could make me care about a movie with Pouty McPoutface as your love interest. (Also, I don't think I'm being blinded by lust but he does seem like quite a lovely chap, no?)

Things I Did Today:

1. Removed some tiles from the kitchen of the house I am attempting to renovate.
2. Fell through the hole in the floorboards of said kitchen.
3. Wrenched my shoulder.
4. Cut my leg in several nasty places.
5. Scraped my soft, innocent bottom.
6. Bled on my shoes.
7. Bled on the floor.
8. Destroyed a pair of Leona Edmiston stockings.
9. Humiliated myself in front of the property surveyor who witnessed several of the above acts.

"There was a desert wind blowing that night. It was one of those hot dry Santa Anas that come down through the mountain passes and curl your hair and make your nerves jump and your skin itch. On nights like that every booze party ends in a fight. Meek little wives feel the edge of the carving knife and study their husbands' necks. Anything can happen. You can even get a full glass of beer at a cocktail lounge." (Raymond Chandler, "The Red Wind")

Perspective

Reader, today has been a shitty day in a shitty week. A big story I have been working on for weeks has fallen over. I have too much to do and not enough time to do it. It looks like I may be out of the State for my birthday, and not for fun times but work-related travel.

Then two things happened. 

The first thing that happened was that someone I was dealing with was helpful. It's actually that simple. You wouldn't believe how many unhelpful dickheads I have to deal with on a regular basis, sometimes because they're, well, dickheads, sometimes because they're just normal people with busy lives. But I called someone up to ask them for a favour and they not only said yes but were sweet about it and made a bad situation easier.

The second thing that happened was that a friend of mine sent me a photo of a homeless guy curled up on a bench in the CBD wearing really really shitty shoes that were so old and worn through which you could see his feet through the soles. Like A LOT of his feet: he was practically barefoot. My friend took the photo because someone had bought a new pair of shoes (the tissue paper was still stuffed in the toes of the shoes) and put them beside the homeless guy for him to find when he wakes up. It's not a life changer. A pair of shoes isn't going to get the guy off the streets. They're not going to solve his problems, except for that problem he has with his current pair of shitty shoes. The shoes weren't even that amazing - they looked like  pair of inexpensive Dunlop Volleys or something pretty basic. 

But it was a sweet, kind, generous gesture that will hopefully make that guy's day a little bit easier. He might wake up a bit happier not just because he has a new pair of shoes but because he's had a little reminder that there are nice people in the world who will help others just for funsies. It also make me feel like, well, kind of a dick for whining about being sooooo busy with this job that pays my bills and sooooo frustrated at having to take an interstate trip to stay in a nice hotel. Quite possibly I've become a goddamn softie in my old age. No that's not a tear in my eye I've been cutting onions. Many onions.

Baby, no.

You may or may not have seen this story today about a toddler found dead in the back of a car a day care centre. Clearly it's way too early to say what happened to the kid. But it reminded of this amazing Washington Post article I read years ago and have thought about often since. It is a Pullitzer Prize winning article and maaaan does it feel like it. This is a story that stays with you and one you should read if you feel like feeling sad for a bit.