An open letter to two people who should have known better:

What a pair of tools you are.

No, really. A pair of stupid fucking tools.

I would hate you both but can’t help feel a bit sorry for you.

In five years time your friends (by which I mean the people working at the checkout on either side of you) will be laughing themselves into a coma when you tell them who you used to play with and who you screwed over.

While you’re dashing out in your lunch hour to get the doctor to conform if it’s just a weird itch or another STI you’re going to be walking past fucking billboards of some incredibly hot musician who looks just a little familiar.

And if I ever get to witness either of these two things happening I will laugh like a bitch.

Because the thing is, and I'm sorry you have to find out like this, but people don't really like to play with jerks. Or be around them. And you guys are, I'm afraid, total douchebags. Maybe if you had enough talent you could smarm around and be some bastard tool like (allegedly) Chevy Chase and everyone would tolerate you because when you were on form you were a smoking hot genius.

But... yeah not so much.

I know, I know, it hurts.

But seriously, dudes, I’m not made of stone. When the girl you used to play with is playing in, I don’t know, some big fuck-off venue in Vienna and you’re pawning your instruments for crack and a light bulb just give me a call and I will totally hook you up with an ushering job or something so you can catch most of the show.

But in the mean time I won’t be braking if I catch you on the road so step smartly kids.

Love kate
PS - one of you is a skank and the other is weak as piss - can you guess who is who?