This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

.

But they were fucked up in their turn

By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern

And half at one another's throats.

.

Man hands on misery to man.

It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can,

And don't have any kids yourself.

.

(Philip Larkin)

The Information, which is nothing and comes at night.

In his big fat tubthumper of a novel The Information Martin Amis says a writer should be able to say that he’s never had to pay for it (being published) in his life. The unintentional irony being, of course, that Amis paid a high price for writing this particular novel – that being a huge public falling out with his publisher (whom he fired) and then-friend, author Julian Barnes, husband of Amis’ former publisher, which culminated in a series of friendship-ending emails which Amis reproduced (partly) in his autobiography.

You can read the rest of this entry, which really does get better, at the CNG Lending Library site.

If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it

I fear I may have posted this once before, but this time it's in honour of Johnsy's idea of a good way to spend $42.

Implausible Claims Made by Vanilla Ice in His 1990 No. 1 Hit "Ice Ice Baby." (Courtesy of McSweeneys)

• "Ice is back with my brand-new invention."
• "Turn off the lights and I'll glow."
• "I rock a mike like a vandal."
• "I'm killin' your brain like a poisonous mushroom."
• "I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon."
• "I go crazy when I hear a cymbal and a high hat."
• "I grabbed my nine."
• "I'm a lyrical poet."
• "My style's like a chemical spill."
• "If my rhyme was a drug, I'd sell it by the gram."
• "If there was a problem, yo, I'll solve it."

NYE: Not Young Enough

I’m sure it can’t be just me but does New Years Eve get slightly less exciting every year? I am still just about young enough to remember days when it interested me but clearly I am also getting just a bit too old because this year all I can muster is a shrug of my aged shoulders.

In Ye Olden Days I recall weekends spent shopping for a new top for the night, discussions of the pros and cons of various going-out options, the purchase of booze, the preparatory bath on the day in question. I still remember making a panicky phonecall to a good friend of mine many years ago while in the middle of a dressing-for-NYE crisis. “Will I look like a prostitute if I wear a slutty corset top with slutty knee high boots?” I wanted to know (For the record: yes I did).

Another friend and I were recently discussing our ideal New Years Eve. I think the consensus was a big boozy dinner party with everyone we liked, nobody we didn’t and the opportunity for some enthusiastic if misguided dancing. That sounds bloody good to me. Traipsing around the city in sky-high heels and forking out loads of dosh for five drink tokens and the right to have my arse felt up by a sweaty bogan does not.

Maybe if I were carefree and single I might feel differently but, even so, I think New Years is undergoing the same change for me that Christmas did between the ages of about 15 and 20. Once the excitement, the magic and the hedonism are gone all you’re left with is a day off work, a credit card bill and a crushing hangover.

Is this was getting old feels like?

Why should David Hicks have to say he’s sorry?

Actually I’ve pretty much said all I wanted to say in the title of this post so you get the idea.

Fuck off Mike Rann and the freaks who called into talkback radio this morning. They can all zip it up before they take this ‘Hicks should apologise to the nation’ idea to its natural conclusion of public self-flagellation, which one senses that can’t be too far away.

At least we can thank God (or, rather, the voting public) for Kevin Rudd, who has refused to jump on the Today-Tonight-watching-support-winning train and has come out to say Hicks should be treated like any other ex-prisoner.

Ex-fucking-actly.

He has done his time. Six years in Guantanamo Bay – most of it spent without having been charged – is called doing his time. Other criminals, when they’re done serving their sentence, aren’t required to apologise to their nation or to anyone and, I say, rightly so. Sending people to prison might not be the best way to deal with criminal behaviour in all cases but it is, apparently, the only way we have, so let’s show some faith in the freaking system and say that if someone is charged, convicted and sent to prison they have been appropriately punished.

Milestone

The word ‘milestone’ here might be a slight misnomer. At least it seems to me that events I now consider to be milestones are getting progressively lamer. Case in point today’s milestone is not that I got to write a cracker of a story at work, or that I resisted the urge to do that thing while getting dressed where you turn sideways to check out your tummy/arse/general wobbly bits. Instead it’s merely that a story of mine survived without getting absolutely rewritten by my boss. Some people might think this is, er, a normal, ever day occurrence. These people know nothing. This is a great day.

This one comes with a disclaimer of extreme self indulgence

I know it’s not quite the end of the year but I’m in a reflective mood so bear with me or go and have a nice cup of tea and wank or something instead. Here come the self indulgent ramblings of a madwomen but I’m not going to try to stop myself because 2007 has been… well it’s been a pretty big year for me actually. A bit weird too. Some of the reasons why it’s been a bit that way are, sadly, not bloggable but most of them are so here I go…

WEIRDEST BIT: A toss-up between the job I find myself doing (and sort of liking) these days and the reasonably bizarre events of a few months ago that started with my calling a UK book reviewer a cock on this very blog and ended with me eating my words and finding out in person he was actually completely lovely. One makes for a better story but the other is probably more unexpected.

BEST BIT: Paul Keating said Kevin Rudd’s election victory felt like he’d been hosed down after ten years of being covered in toxic muck – I can’t put it better myself.

WORST BIT: Bad news affecting one of my favourite people in the world, about which I’ve only just learned, am still taking in and cannot go into here.

BIGGEST SUCCESS: Probably getting this job and not (so far) fucking it up. Of course the former came with a little help from my friends but they know who they (read: he) knows who they (read: he) are (read: is).

BIGGEST REGRET: I can’t think of anything more dire so I’ll go with the fact I have accrued a frankly ludicrous amount of parking tickets this year. The mind boggles.

BEST PURCHASE: Surely the plane ticket to take me to New York, Argentina and London two short months ago. I didn’t realise how much I needed a holiday until I spent those precious days drinking my way from BA to Mendoza. Although the dual purchases of two House DVDs and Flight of the Conchords also rate a mention.

WORST PURCHASE: Is there such a thing? Oh, okay, the stupid amounts of cashola I have spent on buying my lunch and frequently my breakfast every single day.

BEST NEW FIND: Books have been this years theme so it’s a toss-up between the gaspworthy Evelyn Waugh and the toe-curlingly good Raymond Chandler but I think the former has it by a nose. And for you non-literary types it must be Peep Show – the funniest new(ish) show I’ve seen in ages.

IN A YEAR’S TIME I WOULD LIKE TO BE: Working on my second novel with the help of a big fat advance check. Ahem.

Actually I said just take an inch off...

Could Sweeney Todd be the best film ever made? I mean just going by this picture? I say yes, and it's got nothing to do with my love of a) Johnny Depp b) murderous barbers c) Helena Bonham Carter, or d) all of the above. Oh and is there a name for that big thick grey streak through Johnny's hair? Because, um, I love that too.

Ho, ho, ho?

Je-sus Christ, these are the creepiest Santa's (snapped in India) I've ever seen in my life. Why hasn't someone made a horror movie about them yet?

The Last Pauper

Oh crap. I’m pretty sure the depression and the terror and the vows to never do that again are supposed to start after Christmas but I’m getting to the front of the line right now because I am poor. Very, very poor.

Oh okay, fine, I’m not living on the street, or eating cold beans out of a tin or anything but Je-sus, where has my money gone? Certainly it is true, as a dear friend noted, that my book collection has expanded somewhat to fit my pretty new bookcase, and yes, I admit, I might have gone a little overboard with one or two small purchases this year but frick, this must stop.

So my plan is this, and I think you’ll agree it’s a pretty cunning one. I will simply gorge myself on Christmas – not just on the food but on the presents, the booze, the socialising. I will suck out every little drop of marrow from its bony, um, bony something and feast. This is to prepare me for the coming famine, in which there will be no (or, rather, fewer) meals out, minimal extravagant morning mochas and no more amazon.com at all. Drastic, I know, but these are desperate times, friends.

In the meantime I’m going to have a bloody great Christmas, or, as I prefer to call it, a Last Supper. All of you enjoy yours too.

Riddle me this...

I love a good quiz. Better yet I love a good quiz at (almost) Christmas time when extra spools of time are just rolling about for you to pick them up and it's quite acceptable to do fuck all for three hours and still be wearing your dressing gown at the end of those three hours. Oh what was I saying? Yes, check out this rather good quiz, which includes gems such as:

"A handy visual system that gives people with no personality some palpable criteria to judge each other by"

(The answer: fashion).

And as I'm currently without internet capabilities at home and may not blog for a day or two, to anyone I don't speak to in the next couple of days have a brilliant Christmas and a drink for me.

Well, well, well...

Smugness goes before a fall.

“Actually work’s going well,” I’ve told a handful of people this week. “Good stories, think my boss doesn’t hate me blah blah blah.”

It was all true – things were going well, I had written some good stories and I wasn’t feeling completely out of my depth. In fact I can confess to you alone, dear reader, that I was feeling quite comfortable. Quite competent even. Oh Kate.

When will I learn? Will it take more than spending working my arse off to find a new angle on a story for which the well is well and truly dry, finally coming up with what I think is a pretty good story only to have it chopped in half and jammed together with another story on the same subject? For the second time this week? I would sit down and cry but that well, too, is dry from over use.

Frick, lesson learned, weekend earned and I’m off to get drunk.

NOTE – Since soliciting friends on my blog has become the closest I get to a social life in these days of 11-hour days, if anyone wants to see the Leonard Cohen doco I’m Your Man (coming out next week) then I’m your girl – call me, we’ll talk about it.

Chairman update

The cat and I have reached a truce. She will eat a mouthful of drugged food if I will leave her alone the remaining 23.5 hours. It is done. I'm a cat person agan - hurrah.

Mother? Not Mother?

I am starting to feel a bit old. It's not so much the fact that two lovely friends of mine recently got engaged, nor even the fact that I agree just a teensy bit with Charlie Brooker when he says:

"Clubs are such insufferable dungeons of misery, the inmates have to take mood-altering substances to make their ordeal seem halfway tolerable. This leads them to believe they "enjoy" clubbing. They don't. No one does. They just enjoy drugs.
Drugs render location meaningless. Neck enough ketamine and you could have the best night of your life squatting in a shed rolling corks across the floor. And no one's going to search you on the way in. Why bother with clubs? "Because you might get a shag," is the usual response. Really? If that's the only way you can find a partner - preening and jigging about like a desperate animal - you shouldn't be attempting to breed in the first place. What's your next trick? Inventing fire? People like you are going to spin civilisation into reverse. You're a moron, and so is that haircut you're trying to impress."

No, no what is making me feel old is the idea of Lily Allen being a mother. I like Lily Allen - both her music and my perception of her personality. I can see why she drives people up the wall but, frick, she's only 22 and I've always sort of admired her ballsy attitude but... a child? Jesus, this is what people do now, is it? Have brilliant fledgling career, find some boy and breed?

I shouldn't be harsh because I don't have anything (ok much) against people who want to procreate but at 22 - really? You're going to spend the next 18 years of your life looking after this thing, are you? It's parenthood from here on out?

Actually I really should shut up because at least I like Lily Allen, other then the other halfwits who seem to pop them out at absurdly early ages. Better Lily Allen, I should feel, than the female equivalent of that dude who beat his "difficult" child With. A. Belt. And yet... Either way I shudder at the idea that I could have had a child three years ago, making me the same age as Ms Allen. Bloody Hell. Putting aside the poor state the damn child would be in by now how different would my life be? I wouldn't have the job I do, or the job I had, meaning I wouldn't have the friends I do, do the things I do and, by assocation, think the things I think. My view, backed up by absolutely nothing in the way of evidence, has always been, that having a child means putting yourself second for the next 18 years. I may be a hideous selfish person in recognising that I may never be ready for that, but at least I realise that, unlike the hoard of fucksticks breeding right now and, yes, You Know Who You Are.

So, okay, I may be old, but look at the bright side = I would feel even older if I had a motherflipping three year old child, instead of a brilliant book collection and a cat composed entirely of silky magnificence.

Whine, anyone?

What a weird experience it can be working on a breaking story. Unlike ye olden days when I had days, if not a week, so sit on my arse and hunt for a new angle trying to keep ahead of a story can be a bit of a thrill. Of course it can also be a huge pain in the arse.

Case in point: when I left work yesterday I’d written a corker of a story for page one. My first page one, hurrah, I was bloody stoked. Then I get up today to find it’s not only been bumped (which, you know, okay) but is barely recognisable, though admittedly greatly improved, and now wearing a joint byline.

I know most journos must, sooner or later, have the experience of writing their wee hearts out only to have the story chopped and changed and half of what they wrote nowhere to be found but it is not a very nice one. Even worse when I discover the bleeding Fin has the stuff that was dropped so I can’t even recycle it for tomorrow.

Meh, I’m sorry, I’m just whining.

Next week: hilarity.

Chairman Meow

I am currently cat sitting for a dear friend of mine. In the course of these cat sitting duties I am required to give her a daily tablet. It sounded easy enough when I agreed to do it, honestly. The cat in question is is soft to the couch, teensy tiny delicate and adorable to look at. I think I might hate her.

We got off to a bad start when I accosted her with a towel on Day One. The idea being I would bundle her up, open her little jaws and pop the tablet in. Weeelll not so much. The first part was okay - I bundled her up alright, or kinda, but she hissed and spat like a bitch and I was one part scared of being bitten and one part sorry for her so I let her go, figuring I'd wait a few hours until she was used to having me in her house, started to trust me and realised I was actually A Cat Person.

So we move to Day Two when I decided to get things off to a cracking start. I got the tablets out, opened the bottle, shook one out, snapped it in half, put the other half back in the bottle... only to realise belatedly that Miss Kitty knew all too well what all those sounds meant and was now hiding under the bed.

"Come on Maisie," I cooed, down on all fours "come on sweetie." Nuthin'

Then I made error number one, which was shoving some random crap under the bed to force her out. Er no, she didn't go for it but folded herself into an area the size of a hamster's rump and stared back at me with something I horribly suspected might be fear. Error two was trying to go back to Plan A.

"Come on, darling," I called to her, slowly and guiltily extending my hand beneath the bed in the universal sign of friendship, "I didn't mean to scare you, come to - oh fuck! fuck!"

The little bitch had shredded my hand. More than that she'd left one of her beastly claws embedded in my skin.

Right, I thought, two can play at this game. This was where things began to escalate and Go To A Bad Place. I decided to try a new strategy, reasoning that a month of trying to corner the little thing and stuff my fingers down its throat was going to be a long month indeed. So I simply I took all her food up off the ground, crushed a tablet into the bowl and mixed it up with a bit of fresh food. I put it down, the cat eventually emerged, sniffed it and retreated in disgust.

"I can wait!" I called after her retreating tail. And wait I could. But so, apparently, could she.

Returning home on the afternoon of Day Two (today) I found the food still uneaten. Only mildly concerned I could be starting down a bad road that ended with me starving a small, mostly innocent creature to death I emptied out the old stuff, crushed another tablet into the bowl and mixed it with some fresh food."Come and get it diddums!" I called. The cat eventually came, sniffed it and retreated.

Nevertheless I remained confident. I was, after all, a human and she was a mere feline. When it came to balancing on stuff or licking her armpits she had me beat but when it came to cunning and willpower I did, I felt, have the advantage.

"It's a battle of wills, now," I told Andy confidently. "What can she do? Sooner or later she's going to get hungry."

It was the 'what can she do?' that tempted fate, I believe. Because five minutes later I returned to the bedroom to find the little minx had shat on the floor, ignoring the presence of two clean litter trays. She paused to glance over her shoulder at me with an expression that clearly said Try Me, Bitch and disappeared under the bed.

The battle has begun...

DISCLAIMER: Lindsay, if you're reading this, er, don't be alarmed. I may have made a catskin windcheater out of your cat by the time you return but otherwise the flat is completely fine.

Mistakes, mishapes, mistakes

People do things that are bad for them all the time. Well, no shit.

We do them even though we know they’re bad, of course we do. Why? Not, most of the time, because we want to self destruct but because things that are bad for us are often fun. I eat that delicious iced donut because I know it will taste fucking good, even if I’ll regret it later while staring at my gently undulating stomach. I open that second bottle of wine because I want the finest wines available to humanity even though I know I will vow to give up drinking forever as I chip my tooth (again) on the toilet bowl. I send that text message because it’s fun at the time and I can’t bear not to send it, even if I know it’s very ill-advised and I’ll be red-faced when I see the recipient.

But the line between doing things that are bad for us but can be borne and doing things that cost us too much is very fine. Like the line between being a heavy drinker and an alcoholic; between being greedy beggar who could stand to lose a few kilos and being obese; between indulging in harmless fun to doing things that actually make you miserable.

I… don’t really have a point but these are the lines that all of us have to manage every day, constantly, is all I’m saying. And sometimes, shit, it’s really hard. And, no, I shan't tell you what I've been doing but none of it is good - sigh.

Raymond Chandler breaks my heart...

This post probably belongs on the lending library blog but I'm too lazy to stop now that I've started and this is, after all, a short one. Namely a plea that anyone who hasn't read Raymnd Chandler or who thinks that noir is outdated and that most quintessential of hard-boiled private investigators Philip Marlowe has become a caricature should think again and get thee to a bookstore or library.

Amazingly funny, so cleverly paced you don't even notice you've been reading for two hours and sometimes hardbreaking Chandler is, quite simply, required reading for anyone who has an interest in... you know, anything. I'll leave you with the opening lines to The Long Goodbye and the warning that there will be a quiz on RC next time I see each of you - so read up:

"The first time I laid eyes on Terry Lennox he was drunk in a Rolls-Royce Silver Wraith outside the terrace of The Dancers. The parking lot attendant had brought the car out and he was still holding the door open because Terry Lennox's left foot was still dangling outside, as if he had forgotten he had one. He had a young face but his hair was bone white. You could tell by his eyes that he was plastered to the hairline, but otherwise he looked like any other nice young guy in a dinner jacket who had been spending too much money in a joint that exists for that purpose and no other." (The Long Goodbye, Raymond Chandler)

Party time, party time

Meeting the partners of people you work with is always cool because they never look the way you expect them to. It's always the straight-laced fucker who has some awesome kooky wife with crazy glasses who insists on wearing what looks suspiciously like a pair of curtains, someone always surprises you by turning up with a complete hottie and, this weekend, I nearly put my foot in it after the complete operation breakdown of my (frankly already a piece of shit) gaydar.

Meeting people's partners is fascinating because it gives you a weird insight into their personality that you never get otherwise. I don't just mean you find out if they're a t or a sort of a man but I get bizarre amounts of pleasure watching people interact with their spouses and trying to figure out how their relationship works and what makes it a good match. But, you know, pr'aps that's just me. I might need some hobbies.

In a festive season crammed with Christmas party upon Christmas party these sorts of pleasures are what make the endless work-related festivities bearable, or even worthwhile. I often loathe work parties because it smacks a little of some sort of hideous en masse team building exercise in which we bond over cold sausages and warm wine but this year I've been having a ball. Granted I did make the error of leaving a certain party on Friday night before the fisticuffs broke out (for which I'm still kicking myself, I assure you) but the rest of the time, through several parties, I have rather enjoyed finding out more about current and past colleagues, including who has a degree in classics and the mind of a scholar, who once saw Midnight Oil play three times in one week and who is a total lush. Oh wait that last one was me.

When I'm a among a blaze of lights

When I’m among a blaze of lights,

With tawdry music and cigars

And women dawdling through delights,
And officers in cocktail bars,
Sometimes I think of garden nights
And elm trees nodding at the stars.

I dream of a small firelit room
With yellow candles burning straight,
And glowing pictures in the gloom,
And kindly books that hold me late.
Of things like these I choose to think
When I can never be alone:

Then someone says ‘Another drink?’
And turns my living heart to stone.

(Siegfried Sassoon)

Pros and Cons

This happened yesterday about 3.30pm on a day with an early deadline when I was trying to skive off work on time to attend a party and mop up some free booze:

"Hey (editor's name), how much do you want on that Neptune story?"

"Not as much as I want on the lead you're about to write."

"Um what?"

.

"Oh yeah we need a lead - you're writing it."

One of the things I have found hardest about the new job is the shadow of a daily deadline. When you have a weekly deadline you can reflect on your stories a lot more. Opening paragraphs can be fiddled with, angles considered overnight and the whole thing generally polished.

.

With a daily deadline everything has to be done immediately. You have to make decisions faster, think not less but quicker and trust yourself more. The pay off, of course, is seeing your story in print the next day and feeling a thrill of 'I did that' pride.

.

On the downside (again) my blog readers have to read this self congratulatory slush. It's all about pros and cons, isn't it?

Apologies for being a slack blogger, I have been occupied with two of the following three things:

• Packing up my wordly belongings and swearing to chuck half the shite out... just as soon as I've moved.
• Being wretchedly hungover.
• Having a brilliant time.

"All fled, all done, so lift me on the pyre; The feast is over and the lamps expire." (Robert E. Howard)

I know this is morbid but I have always been a bit fascinated by suicide notes.
.
Yes, yes, that does sound a bit wrong but it’s a strangely rewarding feeling to read someone’s last words and wonder what they were thinking at the time.
.
Captain L.E.G Oates’ famous remark, for instance, as he left Scott’s tent during the ill-fated Antarctic expedition, knowing he was slowing the others down and after having begged them to leave him behind, “I’m just going outside; I may be away some time” might be stretching the definition of a suicide note but it never fails to give me chills.
.
French writer Nicolas-Sebastien Chamfort’s - “And so I leave this world, where the heart must either break or turn to lead” - has always been a favourite for poignancy, while at the other end of the scale there is Hunter S Thompson (and you can insert your own ‘who went out with a bang’ joke here) whose note I find weirdly comforting:

“No more Games. No More Bombs. No More Walking. No More Fun. No More Swimming. 67. That is 17 years past 50. 17 more than I needed or wanted. Boring. I am always bitchy. No Fun for anybody. 67. You are getting greedy. Act your old age.
Relax. This won’t hurt.”

Meanwhile if you’re going to use your death to get back at someone who has treated you poorly you could do worse than cribbing from poet Sara Teasdale who left this stinging slap for the lover who’d left her:

“When I am dead, and over me bright April
Shakes out her rain drenched hair,
Though you should lean above me broken hearted,
I shall not care,
For I shall have peace.
As leafy trees are peaceful
When rain bends down the bough.
And I shall be more silent and cold hearted
Than you are now.”

Why yes I have just spoiled the end of Bladerunner for you, why do you ask?

So you decide who the bigger spanner in this scenario is.

Is it the dicksnap who thought it was a good idea to have my call to their mobile company greeted with a recorded voice so very intent on Keeping It Real?

Honestly, what marketing wankhead came up with the concept to humanise said recorded voice by giving her a name (“Lara”), forcing her to use colloquialisms (er white hot rage has erased the memory of what they were but they were there) and feigned sincerity (“He-ey, looks like we’re having technical difficulties. I’ll have to put you through to one of my colleagues. I’m really sorry about this”)?

I don’t particularly care if I’m talking to a robot. I don’t really care if I’m talking to a person. What I don’t want is some kind of patronising-as-fuck she-robot on the other end of the line, pretending to care about my problems. I just want a new phone.

So that’s spanner number one.

Spanner number two, sadly, is the human on the other end of the line who dialled the phone company’s number, talked to the she-robot, hung on the line, was transferred, was transferred again, hung on the line… and then remembered she’s not even with Vodafone. Nor has she ever been. Hmm.

Milestone time

Well I've had my eye on the counter for a bit, watching it slooowly inch towards 5000 and there you go: today it made it. Brilliant. I should celebrate with some kind of hi-larious blog but, um, I feel like death. I'm sorry... but thanks, dearest reader(s).

You might think there’s nothing worse than being betrayed by someone you love but you’d be wrong. There is. It’s called being both betrayed by someone you love - by which I mean those two adorable will-they-won’t-they-or-have-they-already film reviewers David and Margaret – and having to sit through two hours plus of slushy pretentious wank as a result.

Reviewing Into the Wild, the story of Chris McCandless (otherwise known as “Alexander Supertramp”) who flags off the lure of Harvard law, donates his college fund to Oxfam and takes off on a road trip that eventually leads him to Alaska, Margaret said the following:

“He’s written a beautiful screenplay and taken risks with the direction, which all pay off, and he’s elicited magnificent performances, especially from Emile Hirsch. It is so close to being a masterpiece…”

Well thanks, Margs, but I’ve been burnt before. No offence but around about the time you slammed Pulp Fiction and gave The Fast and the Furious four stars I started to tready warily around you, keeping my distance as I would from a well-intentioned but senile aunt trying to feed me buttons and telling me they’re boiled lollies.

Let the casting vote be Davids, sweet David, who likes complete cheese as much as he enjoys obscure Norwegian crap even David Lynch would dismiss as ‘weird’. This is what David said:

“(Sean Penn’s) a good director and this is a very good film. I was completely captured by this story, by this epic adventure…”

Well. Well, well, well. Welly, welly, welly… The thing is it is an epic adventure and it is a great story. It’s just an awful shame the movie sucks balls. Only Sean Penn, who takes himself about as seriously as the Holocaust, could distil a potentially beautiful story into a pile of clichés that beat the viewer over the head from the start and doesn’t let up until you’re lying on the floor among stale popcorn by the end, whimpering softly.

Granted Emile Hirsch, playing Chris, does a great job and looks sometimes quite breathtakingly hot while he does it and Hal Holbrook, playing a 90-year-old tearjerker, is indeed tearjerkingly efficient but a stubbled hottie and a red-eyed octogenarian does not a masterpiece make.

David and Margaret can expect their letters returned unopened and the photo collage David made of the three of us to be consigned to the bin. The dream is over.

But I can still enjoy my new flatscreen when the earth has died, right?

I don’t know if anyone has had read today’s Australian Financial Review (I’m thinking maybe not...) but something jumped right off the front page at me today. An article on Kyoto, greenhouse emissions blah blah (please don’t stop reading) cites an interim report from consultants Pricewaterhouse Coopers that says Australia could cut its emissions by 30 per cent by 2020 without damaging the economy.

Did you hear that all you stupid bints who go on about how much all this ‘saving the world’ malarkey is going to cost our lifestyle? And yes I am talking about someone in particular who is not a blog reader but who may or may not pay my wages so um, let me just keep right on going there...

Anyway this is pretty amazing stuff if it’s true and something I don’t think I’ve read anywhere else. One of the consultants said: “We are not going to bankrupt the economy, we are actually going to save some money.”

And this isn’t in Socialist Weekly or the short-lived by much-loved family newsletter I wrote and printed between the years of 1991 and 1992 – it’s the Fin flipping Review. Why are we not doing this already? Why did we not do this yesterday?

Another copy of Maurice, Kate? You shouldn't have... no you REALLY shouldn't have...

Is there anything more fun than buying books for other people?

I don't think even buying books for yourself is quite as enjoyable. This Christmas, just for a change, everyone is getting books, so I have spent long hours considering which books to give to which people and having a surprisingly brilliant time doing so.

Buying books for other people is really all about the delicate balance between buying someone What They Would Actually Like and What You Think They Should Be Reading. In the past I have tended towards the latter choice but that way lies danger, as I have discovered by bitter experience. So this year I think I have actually managed to buy people books they might like, books they could even read instead of just sticking in the bookshelf and (worst case scenario) possible regifting to others.

In the course of this endeavour I have discovered that, as with a lot of things, the joy of choosing a book for someone - weighing the volume in your hand, opening to the first page to read the first sentence they will met and the mental gymnastics of marrying the perfect book to the perfect person - is probably greater than the joy they will get from reading the book. In many cases, no doubt, I've failed completely to assess my friends and family's reading tastes and have bought them another doorstop.

Even so, walking out of the bookstore today, positively weighed down by books and with considerably less cash than I'd had an hour previously, I felt almost as excited as I used to as a kid on Christmas morning which, I think, is saying something.

My life is off the hook

I think I've lost my mobile again. Fuck it, I can't do this again: the replacement sim card, the new phone, more numbers I've lost, more messages I've missed and calls I couldn't answer. It's only been a couple of months since I lost the last one and I don't even know how I did it this time. I had the stupid thing when I left work on Friday, I didn't have it when I got home and now it's gone. The home phone is broken and I don't have anybody's number anyway. Fuck. This.

No, no Plathy, there's no place for you here...

Allow me to defend this post before I begin.

Hard as it may be for regular reader to believe I do try not to write self congratulatory blogs on here. If you’re one of my friends you get enough of that in person and if there’s anything more dull than reading about somebody else’s achievements it’s probably only listening to them spruik charities and post poetry.

But a kind-hearted friend of mine emailed me yesterday to ask why I was so “fucking miserable” and if I was okay. I appreciated the concern. I’m not that wildly brilliant, as it happens but, as I assured him, I’m not going to do a Sylvia Plath either. For a start my oven is electric. But it did make me think I might be inclined to posting a bit doom and gloom on here sometimes. Sooo I thought I’d share some good news. Even if it is good in a way that neither benefits nor interests anyone but me.

There you go, there’s my disclaimer and what an anticlimax to report that my good mood is only because I actually sniffed out a decent story today all on my lonesome. It’s not a big story at all, it’s not that exciting and no doubt it will be cut to a five centimetre brief on page 909 but I don’t care – for the first day in a while I don’t feel like an incompetent boob and for the second time in oooh a month my boss has actually gone for one of my lamearse ideas. Brilliant.

Oh I have the money, I just don't have the will to live after reading the post...

If you're running short on time and fear you might not be able to make it through this post make I make the following suggestion: find yourself a can of mace, spray yourself directly in the eyes and then slap yourself in the face. This will be about as enjoyable as reading the post and probably a bit quicker. Because, you see, I Have A Cause.

Today I saw Tim Costello, of World Vision Australia, speak. I wasn't much looking forward to it because it was a work schmoozefest and (as predicted) I was stuck next to a complete gimp and given a lamb chop to gnaw on, thanks to a small oversight on the veggo side of things. But as it turned out it was three hours well spent because Costello gave a great speech. There was nothing in there most of us haven't heard before - why the wealthy western world has a moral and economic obligation to help the third world, how simple such help could be, how ridiculous the choices are that we make when we choose a larger flat screen over helping to save someone's life - but he boiled it down in a nice way to the point that I felt like empty my wallet as well as being close to tears. (Although there is a chance the latter may have been the fact I was running on two hours sleep at the time).

He also used the phrase 'lottery of latitude' - a lottery all of us won because we weren't born in a third world country or into extreme poverty. It's a pretty obvious concept but it's also pretty amazing if you start thinking about the kind of life we could all be living (or not as the case may well be) if we were born in certian parts of Africa, Asia or South America.

Costello also drew a comparison between third world poverty and a beggar on the street. When you see a beggar, he said, I think you all feel something, some sort of tug on your conscience. Even if you keep walking and don't give him anything it has an effect on you. (Considering it was a business lunch I wasn't entirely sure he had the fat cats convinced but whatever). Why then? he asked, don't we feel the same way when we ignore third world poverty and turn away from people in just as much, if not far more, need? The answer is, of course, that it is because we can't see them but that's completely fucked really.

I tend to think of myself as a reasonably caring person - I give to this charity or that, I do tend to give beggars coins if I have them, I buy the bloody Big Issue and have conversations at dinner parties about gosh how darned awful some people have it. And all that means precisely fuck all. The reality is that I spend more money on books in a month than I do on charity. I probably spend more on stockings and I certainly spend more on mochas. Is a hot beverage more satisfying than helping to improve the life of someone I can't meet or speak to on the other side of the world? It's an absurd idea. But does it matter? Will it stop me from buying my morning mocha tomorrow? We shall see but I doubt it.

What it won't stop me doing, however, is signing up to World Vision and the entire purpose of this post is, obviously, to encourage you to do the same, or at least to do a bit of Christmas shopping on their website. Seriously, dudes, don't tell me you don't have the money.

NOTE: First poetry and now charity, Je-sus. Tell you what - donate to WV and I'll try to crack a joke sometimes. Or um, at least find a really, really hot picture of James Franco... sans pantaloons.

I remember the days when 'style' referred to your ability to pull off jaunty hat or wear fancy pants...

I have plenty of sympathy and little judgy-judgement for people who want to kill themselves. I would, of course, be devastated and furious if any of my loved ones did so (yeah that means you, you know who you are) without talking to me first but my view is that everyone’s life should be theirs to live or not as they choose. You know what’s not cool? Taking eight other people with you just to “go out in style” like the demented dicksnap who opened fire at an Omaha department store today. Jesus, man, if you don’t want to be here then fine – go for it – but there are plenty of people who still do.

Quotable Quotes: Desert Places

Snow falling and night falling fast, oh fast

In a field I looked into going past,

And the ground almost covered smooth in snow,

But a few weeds and stubble showing last.

.

The woods around it have it - it is theirs,

All animals are smothered in their lairs.

I am too absent-minded to count;

The loneliness includes me unawares.

And lonely as it is, that loneliness

Will be more lonely ere it will be less -

A blanket whiteness of benighted snow

With no expression, nothing to express.

They cannot scare me with their empty spaces

Between stars - on stars where no human race is.

I have it in me so much nearer home

To scare myself with my own desert places

(Robert Frost)

.

NOTE: I am sorry to go all your poetry on your arse - reading someone else's idea of a good poem is only a step up from reading their own shiteful poetry, in my opinion, but I'm just a bit too shattered to blog intelligibly and this is a very prettily sad poem. Plus it's Frost and I'm pretty sure it's illegal not to like him. Between now and next time I will try to think up an innane topic to write about or somebody new I can insult and then befriend...

Clackety clack clack

Everthing seems like a good idea when you don't have to actually, you know, do anything about it doesn't it? This includes simple pleasures like opening a bottle, those drunken conversations where you decide you're going to move to South America to raise sheep and tomorrow you'll nut out the details or the vow that, yes really, you're going to start running every day. It's a bit like Jerry Seinfeld's very amusing bit about Night Guy always screwing over Morning Guy by not giving a shit about the consequences.

Anyway all this is a long-winded way of saying I have a new stupid plan, which is that I'll do an hour of proper writing before work each day. Brilliant, right? Sounds so easy. So efficient. So hard-working. Well yes, yes and yes. Yet today is the first morning of this plan: I'm still half asleep, I'm completely groggy and, far from the sort of writing I had planned, I'm blogging. Hmm. I'm tempted to handball this one back to After Work girl...

London brawling

I am sometimes asked, though it is rarely couched in these terms, to shut the fuck up about London. That is to stop my eyes from coming over all dreamy whenever I think about moving back there or, perhaps, to better conceal my rage and jealousy when a beloved friend (*sniff* I miss you already) decides she is heading that way. But honestly, quite aside from the phsyicality of London how can anyone not want to live in a city where these kinds of debates go on in the pages of a daily newspaper. I don't know if anyone else has been reading the Martin-Amis-is-racist-oh-wait-no-he's-not-and-I-say-this-as-a-personal-friend rants going on in The Guardian but the latest installment is out and, as ever, it's fascinating. Read it and we can move there together. Call me, we'll talk about it, etc.

Yes even if I count Hungry Jacks...

The worst job I ever had was probably the job I never actually got.

For one long day many, many years ago I ‘worked’ (in the sense that I sweated blood and tears, not in the sense that I was paid for it) at a truly crappy souvenir store in the city. Don’t ask me why I wanted the job – I can only assume I had acquired a number of habits it was necessary to finance and time has blurred the memory of what those habits might have been.

Anyway the job interview turned into a day trial working behind the counter to “see how I handled it”. How I handled it was, by general consensus of the vaguely creepy couple who ran the place, pretty crappily. This was, perhaps, unsurprising given I’d never worked in retail, didn’t care much for customers and found the shop’s eccentric and frequently contradictory pricing system completely impenetrable. Plus, you know, you try giving a shit about poorly made tshirts with the Australian flag on them or crappy emu figurines that fall apart if you blink at them twice.

At the end of a soul-crushing day I went home (unpaid) feeling exhausted but mildly confident of having acquired gainful employment... only to receive a phone call that night telling me they didn’t think I had quite the right skill-set for the job. “However,” the store’s co-owner told me in a tone that suggested she had a nice boiled lolly for me if I could recite all the words to The Owl and the Pussycat, “we like you so if you want to come back tomorrow for another trial we could see how you go.”

I didn’t go back the next day but, ridiculously, I still feel a faint sense of was-I-really-that-shit embarrassment when I think about that crappy job and what might have been.

The point is, however, that there are a lot of truly bad jobs out there and thinking about them never fails to raise the spirits in a slightly sick schadenfreudey sort of way.

For those for whom my tale of exploitation and woe was not enough to perk you up The Idler, that most delightful of companion for those of us who prefer not to raise a sweat, has a nice little collection of reminiscences about the worst jobs people have had that makes good reading.

These jobs include weedbusting, washing up, and working in a syringe needle factory but also supposedly glamorous jobs like working on an animated movie (a nice reminder, if we need it, that just because a job looks good from the outside if it makes us miserable it is Not a Good Thing) and genrally is rather a good antidote for anyone who has had a crappy day.

For the record, today at least, that does not include me.

Suburban dilemma

As many of you know I have to move out of my beloved Northbridge apartment in about three weeks. As many of you also know I have been so unbelievably slack (and have also been a victim of circumstances outside my control, I assure you) getting it together that I have left it to the last possible moment to find a new place. Meaning I shall be homeless in oooh 15 days or so.

The circumstances-out-of-my-control bit is more or less to do with where I want to live. Which is to say I want to live in Northbridge and my would-be roomie not only does not but has rejected a perfectly wonderful place just down the road on the grounds that it does not accept pets and appparently he now requires a dog (the fact that the proposed dog would be called Jean Luc Picard is not quite enough to melt my icy heart). I love, love, living in the middle of the city, love the immediacy of everything, love the close proximity of my beloved Tarts and so on this one point I have been extremely firm. I may even have yelled, once or twice, that I was not ready to move to the fucking suburbs, buy a dog and spend my weekends at Bunnings.

And then my lovely parents not only go and drop a huge chunk of my future inheritance on a sweet-as little place in Shenton Park but offer to rent it to us at a knock-down fee and I'm presented with a dilemna. The house itself is lovely - it has a great bath and a great living area, both surely necessities - and is generally very cute and aesthetically appealing. Furthermore this means I won't actually be homeless and living out of a storage facility in the near future but will have a sweet-arse house in a matter of weeks and will have a pair of very understanding landlords who won't require a reference from that stupid bitch Pam at Property People with whom I once exchanged a flurry of furious emails and who probably still has a doll-sized version of me with a pin sticking out of its left eye socket sitting on her desk.

So taking the Shenton Park place and sucking up my inner-city ambitions (for the short term anyway) may seem like an obvious step but I'm conflicted. On the one hand part of me actually believes that moving to the suburbs is the death of hope and the start of a trajectory that ends with me in a cable knit sweater watching The Bill, but the other part of me remembers that a)I was once perfectly happy in Mount Hawthorn, b)Shenton Park is a perfectly lovely suburb as suburbs go and c)I do own a perfectably serviceable (suspect thumping noise aside) vehicle with which to leave the suburbs when I choose to do so.

So I seek your opinion, readers. Am I being a big girl's blouse about the entire thing? Is it actually possible to find an awesome Northbridge apartment in 15 days that is big enough to fit the biggest couch every known to mankind (and the Chesterfield)? Should I just suck it up and start working on the cable knit sweater set now?

.

UPDATE: It has been brought home to me, ever so gently and kindly, that I am a bint who doesn't know how good she has it. This is true. Shenton Park is starting to sound rather appealing to me after all even if I don't get to live over the road from one crack den and two houses down from another. Sigh. Still, one can't have it all...

Saturday night pleasures

"My flocks feed not, my ewes breed not,
My rams speed not, all is amiss:
Love is denying, Faith is denying,
Heart' renying, causer of this."
(Richard Barnfield)

"And I'm a mean (motherflipper) now but I was once cool..."

Now I don’t want to excite you kids but The Jesus and Mary Chain are… coming to Perth. Oh yes they will join the Smashing Pumpkins, Duran Duran (Je-sus, really?), Queens of the Stone Age and a bunch of other groups (tragically, for Perth, this does not include French hotties Air) at the V Festival in April next year. Huzzah. Personally I wouldn’t really get out of bed for any of the other bands announced thus far and, if I’m honest, I sort of don’t like seeing bands outdoors and during the day because it’s hot and lame and drinking during the day is sort of sad, but I think I would be willing to fork out for a ticket just to see JaMC… and I’m just crossing my fingers for Belle and Sebastian to be (extremely unexpectedly) added to the line-up…

Now with half the self deprecation

I tend to be pretty down about work on this site but, dear reader(s) you shouldn’t think I’m ungrateful for having been given this opportunity. Yes it’s mildly terrifying, I’m frankly unsure if it will work out and I really do think my boss views me as a pleasant but completely incompetent boob… but today I got my new business cards identifying me as a reporter for the paper and I actually felt, well fuck it, life’s not that bad. Gosh I've turned into fricking Pollyanna,.

Ewww

In the course my unbelievably unsuccessful 'career' as a 'fiction writer' (and yes there are indeed more quotation marks required than I'm actually capable of putting in there) I have been required to write the odd sex scene, much as I might avoid it. I will spare you the gritty but I assure you they were brutal. So I should have more sympathy for Norman Mailer who has posthumously received the Bad Sex in Fiction Award today. And hey I'm not saying he didn't deserve it for this shocker...

"So Klara turned head to foot and put her most unmentionable part down on his hard-breathing nose and mouth and took his old battering ram into her lips."

...but I was gunning for Jeanette Winterson.

Unknown Pleasures

You know how sometimes you anticipate something so much that it's a complete anticlimax when you finally do it or, in the case of a movie, see it? Well frick that because I finally, finally saw the Ian Curtis biopic Control tonight and thought it was fricking brilliant. Sam Riley was so mesmerising and heartbreaking I feel like I could turn around and see it again. If you haven't seen it (and, er, I know there are many of you) I suggest you do so while you can. Quality.

Do I dare to eat a peach?

I know plenty of people who don't like poetry. It's understandable - it's not like settling down with a novel or listening to a brilliant song. For various reasons it's seen as being quite inaccessible. But can anyone read this...

"I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled."

...and not swoon? You can, and should, read T.S Eliot's masterpiece in its entirety here. I know i've linked to it before but I find it irresistible.

Wheelie bin update

Last night I performed a midnight-raid on the bins of the Vietnamese restaurant I live above. Yes, that's pretty much what I've come to. I got into the room where they keep their bins and dumped my rubbish. And then today... weeeeell I parked a bit further down the street than usual and, while walking back, saw my bin in front of some random tool's house. I stole it back. Re-sult.

You forget 'bore us into fuckery'...

For reasons that would, I’m sure, come as a surprise to nobody I am every-so-often a little less than sharp-fingered when it comes to my blogging. Every so often, in fact, I have already tilted back one too many when it comes to accessing my blog and instead of typing in the address of this blog end up with http://kirovkate.blogpot.com/. The result of omitting the humble 's' is that I have to read this:

“God loves you. Jesus stands at the door of your hear, knocking. If you will open the door he will come in."

And so on. Uh hmm hmm. But the thing that tickles me most is that the website has, as it declares loudly and proudly a “site purpose”. The purpose? Well it’s starting small…

“To seek and to save that which was lost. To feed (his) lambs; feed (his sheep)… to humbly, freely and truthfully present the gospel clearly with sound bible teaching so that people might examine themselves to see if they are in the faith…and afterwards to be baptized by full immersion in the name of the Father and of the son and of the holy ghost.”

All well and good you might think. Certainly I’m not going to use this space to bash people who have the faith, even if they are completely deluded about our own importance in this world and merely clinging to whatever they can to give their lives some sort of meaning. Ahem. But the point is that stumbling onto this site got me thinking about what purpose this site serves, other than forcing people to listen to the rambling of a complete madwoman, obviously. And this is what I’ve come up with.

• To make myself sound brainy by pointing to brainy things genuinely clever people have said elsewhere. Paraphrase them and don’t link to the original source at all, ideally, if I think I can get away with it.


• To post pictures of hot boys and odes to said hot boys in the hope they might stumble on the site and fall madly in love with me.


• To complain about other people, including but not limited to Liberal voters, people who use too many exclamation points, people who don’t read, people who not only watch but cast a vote in Australian Idol, people who use the word "diarise" and people who fail to appreciate British comedy shows.

What do you think? Have I missed anything?

I'm just sorry you're all suck fuckwits...

I was going to post something about Paul Keating’s brilliant post-election comments, passed onto me by Stew Rat:

“I was just so relieved that the toxicity of this Government had gone, this dreadful vicious show which had been around for all these years, the active disparaging of particular classes and groups … Sometimes you see people at factories, they've been in a plant that's got toxic stuff on them and they get hosed down later. I felt on Saturday night like I'd been hosed down."

Hurrah, drinks all around etc. And then? Ooh I turned to the letter pages of today’s West and read a couple of beauties just to remind me what country I’m living in. First off the rank Freda Miller, who is offering a heartfelt apology to the indigenous people in Australia, from way down in Marangaroo, for what they’ve been through since white people came to their country, killed a lot of them, stole their kids and on behalf of a society that is apparently happy to sit around and watch the 20-year life expectancy gap from a distance:

“I want to say sorry to our indigenous Australians. Sorry that they indulge in drink and drugs to the detriment of their children. Sorry that they damage the homes and schools provided for them. Sorry they have low self respect and don’t teach their children to respect the law…”

It continues but why let her have all the fun when D. Ford of Osborne Park (where else?) has so much to say?

“Mr Rudd, if you have done something to be guilty about, go ahead, but don’t you dare include me when you are saying sorry. I was not involved in any way.”

I could go on but I’m afraid I’ve just poured kero on the paper and set it alight. Ah well perhaps my bitter, bitter tears will put it out for me.

White with two thanks...just leave the tea bag in for 45 seconds... yeah soy milk that's right, oh and no real sugar.. uh huh, equal, hmm hmm...

One of the overlooked benefits to not clicking all that well with your new colleagues is never having to make another cup of tea for anyone else every again. For anyone else who wants to know the ins and out of the whole sorry, tea-bag-waggling ordeal, check it out.

Boys schmoyz

I'm not sure if I have blogged about it before or not but I've certainly talked to many of you before about how hard it can be to make male friends. It's stupid, of course, but it's true. There are a handful of guys I don't know that well but would rather like to hang out with but with whom I would never suggest getting a drink for all the obvious and stupid reasons...

Those reasons being, of course, that if you ask a not-quite-a-friend guy to hang out it sounds a looot more like a date than if you're hanging out with a female friends. The problems are obvious - if you're both single and of mildly comporable levels of attractivenesss the chances are high that you'll end up sleeping together and fucking it up. If you're not both single then probably one of you will end up fancying the other anyway and you'll never quite sort it out. Prob-lems.

But tonight I met up with a certain (blog-reading, er so hi) guy I'vemet a handful of times and got on well with, and it was so very nice just to have a chat and a drink or four and chat about fuck all and music. I tend to think of myself as past the stage of making new friends - I love the ones I have and don't see them as often as I would like - but nobody should ever be that. The enjoyment of finding out about someone entirely shiny and new cannot be underestimated. Just as the availability of a new drinking partner should never be ignored.

I'm so inpired I swear I might actually go on a man-befriending binge. Maybe. Baby steps and all that.

Since you asked...

Everyone wants advice. I don't mean from me (because what sort of disturbed mind would do such a thing?) but generally speaking.

Most of us, I think, would like somebody to tell us what we should do every so often, to point us in the right direction or even to tell us what we want to hear. I'm a terrible one for it because I just don't trust my own reasoning (and with good cause, I assure you). When I have a problem I can't stop talking about it - friends learn to avoid me and run screaming into the night when I get a certain questioning glint in my eye. I beg you not to pity me too much when I confess that I once sent in a question to the (oh Christ, wait for it) Belle and Sebastian Q&A website while at an all time time low over a certain problem last year and my inability to decide what to do(incidently the truly delicious and sweet Stevie replied to my post and a very intellligent answer it was too - I took his advice).

For these reasons I love reading advice columns but I find that I hate most of the advice. It's predictable, it's judgy-judgy and it's dull. Enter Cary Tennis, Salon blogger, and the advice-giver I wish I had in my life. How can you not like a man who opens his reply to a woman who fears she has become an alcoholic like this:

"Thank you for your concise and beautifully detailed letter. I sense that it took some courage and focus to put things so clearly. Your letter is a reminder why many people who do not particularly care for my own writing style read the column anyway: They read it for the letters..."

I love Cary because he doesn't do the obvious. But he also doesn't do controversial for controversy's sake. I love him because he frequently rambles, goes off on a tangent or admits that he's cut out huge chunks of his "mostly boring" reply. I love him because he seems genuinely interested in helping the people who write into him - there's no mugging for the cameras, if you know what I mean. He's like the friend you invite to the pub when you're thinking about dumping your partner, or the first person you call when you've just been dumped. I love him because he can say something like this...

"I am not even remotely qualified to diagnose people psychologically. But I will say that it crossed my mind that you might be one of the estimated 4 percent of Americans who are sociopaths..."

... and still come off as sweetly concerned and caring. I love him because reading his column - the letters and his answers - never fail to make me feel better about my own lot, to help me appreciate what I do (and don't) have, and to satisfyingly stick my nose into the business of strangers.

All of the above is, of course, why you should all be reading him too...

Token Smokin' Hottie: Hugh Laurie? Um, really?

Oh Hugh. I loved you when I watched Blackadder for the first time and marvelled at its brilliance. Your comic timing. Your brilliant turn in season three as the Prince. That time you couldn't work out how to put on your pants. That was the beginning.

Our love only grew stronger when I belatedly stumbled onto A Bit of Fry and Laurie and, oh, how I wished I could invite you and Stephen Fry over for a dinner party.

By the time I got around to watching you in the TV adapations of PG Wodehouse's Jeeves and Wooster stories I was already completely gone. Even today I can't read the books without imaging your blank, foolish face in the starring role. It was love - asexual and borne of admiration, not desire for your bandy legs and floppy hair but, still.

And yet I never fancied you, nor could have imagined fancying you, until House came along. Who knew a crumpled suit, designer stubble and abrasive personality could look sooo good?

I'd love to hate this incredibly popular, occassionally smug, show but I simply cannot. I am charmed - by the show, by the concept but, er, mostly by you. I find myself wondering if your eyes have always been that blue and I've never noticed, whether you've always had a certain crinkly hot charm or if it's come to you late in life and exactly what you would look like if I could just rip off that... ahem, but I digress.

Don't be a stranger, Hugh. Come over, bring wine, we can make fun of Darling and help you out of that artfully rumpled suit...

If you have an enemy, picture him asleep...

If you have an enemy, picture him asleep.
Notice his shoes at the foot of the bed,
how helplessly they gape there.
Some mornings he needs three cups of coffee

to wake up for work,
and there are evenings when he drinks alone,
reading the paper down to the want ads,
the arrival times of ships at the docks.

Think of him choosing a tie,
dialling wrong numbers,
finding holes in his socks. Chances are
his emptiness equals yours

When you thoughtlessly hurry a cashier
for change, or frown to yourself
in rush hour traffic and the drivers behind you

begin to remind you
the light has turned green.

(John Skoyles)

Go on Howard, you know you want to cry...

I don't even know what to say. I'm fucking speechless. I have abused and criticised the Australian public as a bunch of ignorant cashed up bogans who wouldn't know a social justice policy if they gave birth to it and I was... well, not entirely right. Apparently. Because the people have spoken and they have made the right decision. For a change. I know the disappointment will come, oh God it will, but right now I am motherflipping ecstatic.

Oh please, please, please just give me this one.

I can't remember being so nervous about an election before. I can barley contain myself. I shall be out on the town on election night and I may never return if the Libs get back in - it just doesn't seem worth it, does it? If there any swinging voters out there who are into the economy and shite then read Dan for a very well put snapshot, otherwise read the paper, watch the news , think abot what issues actually matter to you and make an informed bloody opinion (read: vote Labor or Greens). Come on, Australia, please, please, please don't let me down, I don't think I can take it...

Flip you, fliphead.

Who the flip has stolen my flipping wheelie bin? Dicksnap come forward and I will forgive you. Hide and I will bury you.

Then I went out and robbed an old lady

Yesterday I stood at my fridge, facing a dilemma, and I thought to myself ‘what would a drug addict do’?

Now, 9 times out of 10 this is NOT the way to solve a problem, (kids – just say no etc.) but this time it happened to be just the thing. It was, in fact, sheer brilliance on my part.

You see I had, well, how do I put this? I had accidentally taken some drugs. About an hour and a half before I was due at work.

Put the phone down, Mum, I assure you that when I say I had accidentally taken ‘some drugs’ I mean I had accidentally taken a valium after forgetting I had (for reasons which require a long and dull explanation) stored them in an old thyroxine bottle. It was the morning and I had come to the fridge, only half awake, to take my daily dose of thyroxine. Having moronically put the valium-filled thyroxine bottle in the fridge along with the genuine thyroxine-filled specimens I grabbed the wrong bottle, chomped the wrong pill and realised, as the little beggar, slid down my throat, just what I had done.

Again: due in work in 90 minutes, give or take.

Generally speaking valium does not, tragically, knock me out but it does induce sleepiness and, sometimes, mild silliness. Not ideal while you’re still swimming (read: sinking) in a new job and even less ideal when you’re already knackered from having a puny six hours sleep the night before… and the night before that.

But I’d taken this stupid tablet and no way was I putting my fist down my throat to bring it up again, even if I thought it would work. Dilemma.

And that’s when the moment of genius struck, perhaps even as I gazed at the picture of Pete Doherty affixed to my fridge door - ‘what would a drug addict do?’. It was so obvious: Take. More. Drugs.

It’s all about physics really. For every action there must be an equal or opposite reaction. Or maybe it’s a bit more like that episode of The Simpsons where Homer is a truckie and, having accidentally takes too many stay-awake pills, has to dope himself up with sleeping tablets, then more of the other and so on with mildly hilarious consequence. Isaac Newton or Matt Groening – they were both well on the money.

Two No-Doze and one double-shot mocha from the hottie still working it at Tarts later and I was perky as a lamb. Problem solvered.

And, my friends, I think we can all learn a valuable lesson from this example of the triumph of counter-intuitive thinking . That sometimes what seems to be the right thing to do isn’t while, at other times, what seems like the wrong thing can be exactly what you need to do.

The bitch is, of course, that nobody tells you which is which before you do it. Because nobody else knows either.

So, for instance, because I spend way too much money on books you might think that the delicious new purchase sitting on my coffee table should be classified as ‘a mistake’. You might even call me a fool for buying it hours after I checked my bank balance and vowed to change my ways.But you’d be wrong, wrong, wrong. Because, again, this is a case where the course of action that seems completely mental is in fact completely right-on.

How, you ask?

Well it’s complicated and, honestly, I’d love to explain it to you in detail but I’m afraid I’ve just helped myself to the pills in the fridge and I…zzzzz….

For my next 'prank' I'm going to run Ms Kelly down in my hatchback... hi-larious

A chaser style prank.

That was how outgoing Liberal MP Jackie Kelly described the distribution of fake election flyers claiming to be from a (non existent) Islamic group and suggesting the Labor Government was sympathetic to Islamic terrorism.

The pamphlet said Labor wanted forgiveness for "Muslim brothers who have been unjustly sentenced to death for the Bali bombings" and supported building a mosque in the area.

“I think its intent is to be a send-up but obviously it hasn't worked," Ms Kelly said on ABC radio "I think if you read it you'd be laughing. Most people who have read it have said 'That's a Chaser-style of prank'."

You know what else is a chaser style prank? Pumping out lies in a desperate attempt to stop what polls suggest will be a landslide victory against your party days before the election is held. Tearing up votes and distributing fake ‘how to vote’ cards for other parties. Hell, I tend to think shooting people who come to the polls to vote for the other party is pretty hilarious but call me crazy if you like.

Nobody can think this is a joke when we’re two days out from a flipping federal election and the only joke is the party involved.

When I get back we can talk about Picard, if you like

Now one or two of you may know this already but I can, just every so often, be a bit of a dork.

And by that I mean I'm a huge dork, obviously. I read too many books, I watch too much Star Trek, I like to talk about both books and Star Trek in public and, yes, I am sometimes partial to a good computer game. I am also kind of a music dork, or at least I have been in the past (read: don't expect me to keep up with the music the kids are listening to today).

So please don't judge me when I say that I gave a small squee of excitment today when I realised I am on the same facebook group (yeah, I know, shut up - it's a longish story) as John Moore, of The Jesus and Mary Chain (and, yeah sure, other stuff) fame. God I'm lame but, still.

Now, somebody was giving me lip in the comments to a previous post about my penchant for this moody little group but, je-sus, when they were good they were very good. I remember the first time I heard Psychocandy and swooned and Munki is one of those records that still gets a good work out. And those two albums were produced more than Ten Years Apart, people. I'm just saying. Do yourself a favour and pick one of them up - I'm off to stalk Mr Moore...

Rules to live by...

"I'm going to marry someone over 30 and fuck everyone under 25."

(Anonymous friend)

Habit.... habit? Oh, wait, oh I see what she did there...

Apparently it takes two weeks to break a habit. I’m not really sure how anybody comes up with these slightly random and yet suspiciously exact figures but there you go.

It is an attractive idea, somehow, to think about earmarking two weeks to eliminate some of my less appealing qualities. I could, in theory, be free of any bad habit I choose, if only I can do without it for two weeks. And what couldn’t I do without for two weeks? Not much, that comes to mind. Jesus if I can live without hot water for five days, as I’ve just done, I feel I can get through anything.

So brilliant, give me two weeks and I’ll be Kate 2.0: the same old Kate but better. I like it. The only question is what I should give up? The diet coke? The booze? Bulk book buying when I already have a huge ‘to read’ pile on the coffee table? Using my ipod as a sleep aid and ruining my hearing in the process? Perhaps the handful of other very bad habits I take great pains to conceal and have no intention of revealing now? Hmmm.

I was thinking about this last night, as I divided my time between a glass of wine and a can of coke, finalising my amazon.com order as I did it. There are many not-so-great-for-me things I do that I could, albeit with some pain, give up for two weeks. It wouldn’t be fun and I would miss doing them and maybe go a little bit mad but I’m sure I could make it through a fortnight.

But what about after that? If, as I’m told, the habit will be officially broken does that mean I’ll no longer have the desire for these things? Or merely that I will have broken my natural tendency to indulge in them but will have to continue to stop myself from slipping back into my bad old ways? The latter I fear and it sounds... shit. In fact even the first option sounds shite.

The catch to this whole two-weeks thing is that, although I have many bad habits and many things I wish I didn’t do… I don’t necessarily want to eliminate them. It’s like being a flipping alcoholic I suppose – you have to want to change. A cold can of diet coke may bring me brain tumours and tooth erosion but it also brings me a great deal of pleasure. Same for the booze. The books thing may drive me to the brink of ruin but it also surrounds me with piles of lovely books and makes me feel rather happy. And there are worse things to spend your money on than obscure Hungarian novels and Saudi Arabian chick-lit.

The other habits I didn’t quite mention are probably mildly self destructive but they are also part of who I am. What would I be like if I didn’t spend too much time on the internet, overanalyse things to death and obsess over things I shouldn’t? How would I cheer myself up if not with a new book and a bottle of wine? What other bad habits would I have to develop to fill the void? And, then, how many weeks would I have to devote to eliminating those bad habits? That road leads to ruin, I say, best to quit (or not) while you're ahead and try to conceal your many repugnant habits from those around you. By not blogging about them, ideally.

Is there any problem music cannot solve?

1. Problem: My boss hates me, probably because he's realised I have no idea what I'm doing.

Solution: Listen to Belle and Sebastian's Boy with the Arab Strap as soon as you are out of the building. Possibly do a little dance in the car park.

2. Problem: Neighbours anger me for no good reason, mostly because they have terrible taste in music and tend to bang their door late at night a lot.

Solution: Put The Jesus Mary Chain's What Do You Want if You Don't Want Love? on repeat as loud as the incredibly costly stereo will go and open the balcony doors.

3. Problem: Trying to resist the temptation to blog about work, lest you cry like a bitch.

Solution: Blog about music instead. While also listening to music. Brilliant.

And send George Dubya in to massage my corns while you're at it...

Thanks to the two years of my life I wasted studying psychology before I decided that an English degree was where the big bucks are I know that one scientific study doesn’t really prove anything. Really, I do. And yet I want to believe that a new study published in US journal Nature Neuroscience proves what those of us who hang to the left have always suspected: little-l liberals have better brains than conservatives. Oh, come on – you know it Just. Makes. Sense.

This study, which apparently has been whipping up a bit of a storm in the US, sat participants in front of a computer screen and asked them to push a key every time they saw the letter M or (for half of them) the letter W on the screen. They would see a lot of the Ms or Ws in a row, thus obliging them to push the button repeatedly until they saw another letter flash up (which would be an “M” if they were supposed to be pushing the button for Ws and would be a W if they were supposed to be pushing the button for Ms) and had to stop themselves from pushing the button.

The results of the experiment, which asked participants to identify themselves as either conservative or liberal voters, found conservatives made statistically significantly more mistakes than liberals, as in about 10 per cent more. The experiment concluded that “a more conservative orientation is related to greater persistence in a habitual response pattern, despite signals that this response pattern should change.”

.

And so, of course, a lot of inferences have been drawn about this in the media. Like that liberals are less stuck in their ways than conservatives and more mentally flexible. Like that conservatives’ brains are weaker when it comes to thinking about new ideas. Like that people who like people and vote left-of-centre are awesome and people who hate everyone except their sister-wife and/or their pile of cash are shite. Like maybe the people behind the test are a bunch of commies. The media has got it a bit wrong, of course, as we so sadly often do. The experiment was just a stepping stone to future research, really, and open to all the criticisms that any experiment is – small sample size, external factors interfering etc. etc.

.

But screw scientific accountability. I, for one, am taking a punt and saying we will look back on this experiment in ten years time as groundbreakingly significant. “Of course,” we shall say, “how could we ever have been so cynical about the results? Left-Wingers are smarter than Right-Wingers and we should have known it all along.” Four legs good, two legs bad etc. Then we will ring the bell for our Howard-voting butler and ask him to remind the Bush-loving cook that if she burns the dinner again you’ll throw it in her stupid, ignorant face.

And what about those pesky single mothers, eh?

You know what is a really good way to help drug addicts back into society? Deny them access to social welfare. Sounds crazy but it's totally true and I for one am completely behind John Howard's plan to cut welfare payments to criminals convicted of "hard-drug related offences".

“We are the zero-tolerance coalition when it comes to drugs,” Mr Howard said.
“It’s not right that people should have control of taxpayer money when they have been convicted of such offences.”

I mean what's all this crap about 'rehabilitation' anyway? When has cutting already vulnerable people off from a financial lifeline and leaving them to find thheir own means of making money not been a good idea? Never that's when. You've just got my vote, Johnny you complete knobsack.