Your love gives me such a thrill... but your love won't pay my bills - I want money.

Having your bank call your parents on a Sunday looking for you is never a good thing. Why is it that I doubt they’re calling me up to press a quick $100 on me, or to let me know they’ve been overcharging me for years and have bought me something lovely to apologise?

This happened yesterday but somehoworother they haven’t managed to track me down yet. I don’t know why they called.

I don’t know what they want. But I suspect it may have had something to do with my credit card and the debt I have accumulated there through a combination of ill-advised life choices and the two pairs of shoes I bought yesterday.

So it has come to this. I have $109 in my bank account and that is it. I will not spend a penny more until next pay day next Thursday. I’ve paid my rent for the next couple of weeks so I’m okay on that front. All I really need is petrol for the car, food for my belly and enough mullah to finance a social life. I just need to prioritise.

No more food. Other than what I have at home, obviously. I have dukkah, frozen veggies, pasta as far as the eye can see, two packets of pastry and I own a pie maker. This is my food until pay day. No more shopping. The shoes were a very pretty mistake. No way am I returning those puppies but I can handle no more shopping for awhile.

No more booze. Allow me to clarify: no more non-free booze. I have free drinks on Friday and four bottles of wine under the sink. This, too, I can just about handle. Minimal car use. In hindsight purchasing a pair of highly impractical (though lovely) very high red heels before I made the decision to walk everywhere may have been premature. I don’t care. The petrol tank is barely above empty and there it will stay. Diet coke. Weeeell, this is a grey area. The fact is that I have no diet coke in the house. And that I can’t handle. I know I have a problem: I know it’s probably growing a brain tumour in my head but whatever. We all have to go one day. I will buy diet coke. But not $109 worth.

So apologies in advance for being a boring, boring person (you know, more so) for the next two weeks. I’m tightening my belt and battening down the hatches.

Wherever there are free drinks I will be there.

Wherever there are high costs involved I will be on the couch.

If you’re calling about the $5 I borrowed you’re going through to voicemail.

If you owe me $60: call me.

Thank god I have the first series of 21 Jump Street to keep me company. Johnny Depp's terrible acting and adonis-like visage don't cost a thing.