Lately I’ve been browsing rvsp.com.au

This is not because I’m looking for a little something on the side but because a couple of friends have been talking about it and the nosy parker inside me was curious to see how people market themselves. Checking out profiles has been surprisingly fun and addictive and, even more surprisingly, most of the people seem completely normal and occasionally hot. Personally, as someone who would rather make awkward conversation via email than face to face any freaking day of the week, the whole concept is something I think I could get well behind.

But some people reeeally need to work on their profile just a little bit harder and think about what sort of a message they’re putting out there.

First up Mr Pretentious: when you say you like to read Friedrich Nietzsche I do not think you are intelligent, philosophical or deep. I think you are a liar.

The same can be said of the dicksnap who claims to watch only independent documentaries for entertainment. Nobody’s impressed, you tool – they’re just thinking what a boring fucking date you would make.

But to give Mr Documentary his dues at least he has picked a lie and gone with it. Far worse are the people so bland that they come up with likes and dislikes like this:

“I like my movies and I don’t have any real preference to a favourite. I like
watching anything, especially if they win awards.”

Jesus, could you try and be a little bit more bland? Why not just say ‘I like other people to tell me what I should like and then I like that’? Because a certain sort of girl could really get behind that.

Meanwhile the guys who put up photos of themselves shirtless should be rounded up and executed. If Perth girls are looking for self-obsessed tools who spend their weekends at the gym (sorry Dans and Thom) and probably wank in front of a mirror they can head to the Subi on a Friday night.

Lastly, a word to the man whose profile appears to consist entirely of Simpsons quotes? Weell okay I kind of liked you. Though I disagree with your assertion that you cannot make friends with salad.