I have discovered a small flaw in my plan of achieving the splits by the end of the month.
I am a lazy bint.
For the first few days after I made my decision to institute this plan I was semi-gung ho - all stretching exercises by the bed in the morning and poo-pooing Andy’s concerns about the effect that trying to split myself in half could have on a body that has been, at-best, under utilised in recent years. Ten days(ish) later I am no closer to my goal. The ‘stretching exercises’ now consist of sitting on the carpet with one leg in front of me, pretending to reach towards my toes while watching Robin Hood and wondering if Jonas Armstrong would go out with me if I dressed like Maid Marion.
I have also been struck down with a shoulder injury that sounds like it should have no bearing on my ability to complete leg exercises but means I can no longer support myself on my hands or even extend my arm to touch my toes. It has also had the side effect of making me feel very sorry for myself and more liable to curl up on the couch than even bother changing in my ‘exercise pants’.
This is not quite me throwing in the towel. It is more my desperate bleat of fear that I will just not be able to do it. When I first had this idea I thought it seemed ambitious but quite achievable. Today it seems so far out of my grasp that I feel I would have been better served vowing to stop drinking diet coke or learn calculus by the end of the month. I am, as many of you know, prone to extreme competitiveness and I hate to fail even these arbitrary self-set challenges. But I have never been a huge one for physical challenges and, in recent years particularly, I’ve never had to push my body particularly hard for a long period of time. My mind I can handle but I’m beginning to suspect my body resents me for treating it like shite for so long.
I really don’t want to fail at this one, though, so my back-up plan is to get very, very drunk and just force my legs to do it, hoping the booze will numb me against the pain. So ,er, if one of you could just put the ambulance on speed dial before I attempt it that would be great.