2 minutes in: I shall travel where no man has gone before – to the wine in the cupboard. Oh wait I’ve already got a glass. Um Star Trek yeah, ooh I like the start.
10 minutes in: He’s evil, Picard, don’t let him on the ship you fool! He looks like more of an android than Data - why don’t these people learn? Why aren’t I on the damn Enterprise? Where’s my damn glass…?
21 minutes in: Oh Picard – back away from the scary blue screen. Those cheesy effects are dan-ger-ous.
25 minutes in: Oh. My. God. Is that…? What is that? Is that a pig? Or two dogs strapped together? No, no wait it’s a dog in a funny hat. I think. Oh fuck it I think it’s a pig in a wig.
26 minutes in: Nice strategically torn top, writers – I can see the lesbian’s boobies. And rape is fucked up and everything but those ‘rape gangs’ sort of make me think of The Lost Boys or The Goonies or something. Which makes me want to laugh. Which is wrong.
30 minutes in: My God I'd like to dip his bald head in oil and... ohh. Ooh that's actually pretty cool. This was really made in 1987?
35 minutes in: Come on - why is nothing happening? Why can’t Picard’s top be strategically torn? Writers? Writers? Fuck it’s freezing in here.
38 minutes in: Oooh.
45(ish) minutes: Oh Picard…