Friday, August 17, 2007

Zen and the Art of Self Indulgent Wank

I’ve been having a bit of a think about my life these past few weeks (yes sadly it’s been that sort of fortnight). Mostly this is because, despite having what certainly looks like a nice little life, I’ve been getting a bit restless. I can’t stop remembering London and wonder if I should head back there. I love my job but I’m constantly thinking about what else I could be doing. I look at everything I have and worry that it won’t be enough for me five or ten years down the track and no matter how hard I squint I can’t seem to see my future at all.

Well I don’t want to get all Zen on your collective arses but I’ve come to a few decisions about what I want. Or, rather, I’ve come to a few decisions about what I don’t want out of my life. As to what I do want… well I haven’t figured that out yet. Standby.

1. I don’t want to be angry girl any more. A new friend told me this week that forgiving people is everything. I will attempt to learn how to let go of grudges and to cut the people I love a little slack.

2. I don’t want to settle down yet. Watching other people buy houses and pop out sprogs lately has made me realise how much I don’t want those things yet, however well they have worked for some of my friends. This is not just because I have no money and even less desire for children but because I can feel time moving away from me and I don’t want to regret not doing anything. Chances are this is going to lead to my falling on my arse, losing a huge wad of cash or doing something incredibly fucking stupid but I refuse to be paralysed by doubt. The responsible, sensible Kate you knew is gone. Well maybe not gone but thinking about having a bit of a lie down and letting Impulsive Kate take the wheel for awhile.

3. I don’t want to spend my life in my head. Existential crisis’ are getting old and I must learn to chill the fuck out. So I technically have no idea what I want, what I’m doing or where I’m going? Fuck it - I’m sure it will come to be eventually. Hurrah.

More words of wisdom to come once the drugs kick in again I'm sure.

6 comments:

Dave said...

Good decision on letting go of the angry girl a bit. It does help forgiving people - depending on what they've done. Having said that I will never forgive my casual bubble worker for wearing flannel to shirt.

my name is kate said...

I'd like to add a disclaimer to my list that I will never forgive the wearing of the flannel in the office/bedroom/house/public.

Judda said...

I've been going through the same self-indulgent turmoil myself over the last few months and I've come to the conclusion that you're not necessarily choosing one option over another, you're just choosing the order in which they happen. For example you're not choosing to travel instead of buy a house, you're just choosing to travel FIRST.

So tell the job, the house, the babies and the potential husband to get into the motherfucking queue, because travel got there FIRST.

my name is kate said...

Hurrah - I like the way you think, Barrett. Extra points for use of the word motherfucking.

Anonymous said...

Go Katie ! Wherever that's going to take you - that's the next hard step. You've got back up from me (no matter what you may think). HAB

my name is kate said...

Thanks Mamushka.